“In your face, space coyote!” – Homer Simpson

Another random post? Have I gone mad???

…actually I’ve just got like three full-length posts in various states of “not finished,” so I’m writing this just for the sake of it until I can get my thoughts organized on the other stuff. Besides, I like these posts. They’re fun for me. 🙂 Let’s go…

1. Went on a “watching people fishing trip” on Saturday. I don’t presently have a fishing license, but still wanted to hang out, so I went anyway. (And for some stupid reason, I’m an honest enough person that I didn’t just say “the Hell with it” and fish anyway.) It was fun. Met a friend of a friend that was a nice and funny guy, but I don’t recall his name. I know he had a license plate from Puerto Rico and I’d never seen that before. But the name has escaped me. It started raining cats and also larger cats on us, so we called it early and hung out in a coffee shop for a bit then got Taco Bell. Fun night.
2. Watched “Hook” for the first time in several years with Jeremy. I have developed a theory about it. I think everything in the movie is real up until the point of the ceremony honoring Granny Wendy, but then when the windows blow open and the dog starts barking and Toodles wakes up and starts barking with the dog, we enter a fevered-dream of Toodles, and the trip to Neverland, etc, etc all happens in HIS head (ala what we are led to believe happened to Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz” when she wakes up back on the farm). That’s why he gets his marbles back at the end…they represent him at his happiest, and provide him the closure he needs to fly away to Heaven. “Hook” is the story of Toodles’ death. I’m not saying it’s not dark…but it hangs together.
3. I re-strung my 12-string acoustic this weekend. Haven’t played it in a long time. Sat around on Saturday and played for an hour or two and recorded some of it. Had some new songs I wanted to record for demo-purposes, anyway. Had fun doing that. Then I played it on Sunday for church as well. (Song list: You’re Worthy of My Praise, All Creatures of Our God and King, Sing to the King, Grace Flows Down, and Holy is the Lord. It was kind of a 2005 throwback set.) I like playing that guitar. I just wish it weren’t such a pain to keep it in tune and to re-string it. The octave-string on the G is insanely thin. I sometimes feel like it’ll break if I LOOK at it wrong!
4. I’m behind on some of my music-buying. I’ve had some extra expenses in the past couple of months and I’m missing some new releases. I don’t think I’ve even been IN Vintage Vinyl in a month!
5. You know, I first cut my hair short when I graduated from college. It’s several years later, and I still have no idea of how often I should get my hair cut. It seems stupid to get it cut so often that no one (including me) notices that it was cut, but waiting until it OBVIOUSLY needs it seems the wrong way to go, too… I’ve just never found a rhythm for it. Either way…I think it’s probably going to be Saturday…
6. I’ve got a TON of cleaning up to do. I have to get my bedroom in order first–hoping for that tonight and/or tomorrow. Then I’ve got stuff that’s over at my dad’s condo that I need to collect, in order to give him back a room he needs. And I’ve got to get stuff from the dining room into my bedroom and from the spare room into the basement and from the basement into…I don’t know…some kind of temporal rift, I hope… Going to be a busy and probably more frustrating than necessary week of just putting shit where it goes.
7. A Republican friend of mine asked me some very specific questions in light of the recent headlines regarding Obama. He pointed out how harsh I was about Bush’s misdeeds and asked where my criticisms were now that Obama’s in trouble. That’s a fair question (though I would like to note that I began making a concentrated effort to be kinder about politics, beginning with the Obama/McCain election). For anyone who might be wondering…here’s where I now stand. I am not, nor can I EVER in good conscience be a Republican. However, especially in the past year, I have grown increasingly disappointed in the Obama administration. I do not blame him for all of his failings. Even when he would present reasonable compromises, others would not bend and that is not his fault. I still believe in the Affordable Care Act. I still believe in equal rights for women, gays, and minorities. In most ways, I am still more liberal than conservative–and at heart, I am definitely more comfortable with a Democrat in office, if given the choice. However, I have felt in recent days that Obama has failed me on many levels. It has come to feel like he saw the mockery that George W. Bush made of our personal freedoms and instead of being outraged, he said, “Cool! I didn’t know the president could do that!” and my vote for change was wasted. If he were up for election again, I would not vote against him, but I also would not vote FOR him. And I threw away the letter from the Democratic Party asking me to renew my membership. Obama’s administration has proven to me that–on the NATIONAL level–voting just doesn’t matter. If it did, they’d probably make it illegal. (However, I do still support local politicians and believe that they are our last hope on the road to TRUE change.) So…there you go…
8. Watched the PBS documentary on Mel Brooks with my dad (my brother gave him the DVD of it for Father’s Day). It was a lot of fun. Mel Brooks is just the best. Over the credits of the DVD, they played the theme song from “The Twelve Chairs” which has been stuck in my head ever since. (And unless I’m remembering incorrectly, I believe Mel composed that song…) I have a strong urge to take a couple days off of work to just marathon all of his movies–including “Life Stinks,” which I seem to like more than most people.
9. I hear that Futurama is entering its FINAL season. That kind of makes me sad…but I get it. The viewership didn’t seem to rebound on the relaunch like we all hoped. Plus, Comedy Central was just the WRONG choice for where to take the show. Channels like Comedy Central and Cartoon Network are great for independent projects and risky, dice-rolling shows…but not for stuff that belongs on a real network. Futurama needs to be treated like the Simpsons or Family Guy–it needs a regular time-slot that it STAYS in, even if there’s not a new episode that week. I would imagine that Futurama stays on the same night at the same time on Comedy Central when it’s running…but I don’t know when that is, because that’s just for 20 episodes, then it’s not on for a year or whatever… The Simpsons is on Fox EVERY Sunday (new episode or not) at 7:00. I know where and when to find it. Futurama is on Comedy Central at…some point…at some time… I have no idea when it airs, and that’s probably what killed it. I’m a fairly loyal fan, and if I can’t find it, I’m not sure a new or casual audience will either.
10. Saw “Man of Steel” tonight.  A few short points:
    1. WAY better than the first one.
    2. As I said on Facebook, in the first movie, we spent most of the flick saying, “When is Superman going to FLY???” In this one, the answer is “ALWAYS!”
    3. I’m hugely pissed off that at NO point in the movie does the character get to say the line, “KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”
    4. In my head, every line Russell Crowe said was sung, ala his weirdly intense shout-singing in Les Miserables.
    5. But, it was really good.  Not as good as Iron Man 3, but really good nonetheless.

…and that should do it for now.

Current Listening:

• Soundgarden – King Animal Demos
• The Shins – Port of Morrow
• Elvis Costello – Assorted…

“…we’re disobeying an unjust law here. We’re patriots, like… all those people in jail.” – Homer Simpson

As is my habit when I write a weighty post, I’m following it up with a less-weightly, random post. So, yay!

1. In a slight follow-up to my previous post… I’ve mentioned on the blog and to many, many people over the past couple of years that I “lean Deist” in my religious beliefs. After the intense experience of last week, I just don’t think I can do that anymore. God seems to care too much for me to remain a Deist. I think I just didn’t want to accept that He is still loving, even in bad times. It was somehow easier to believe that He wasn’t involved than to believe in His love being enough. I just can’t embrace that logic anymore. If anything, God’s love completely defies logic. I think I would prefer to cling to THAT.
2. So my car developed an oil leak. Watch out for potholes, folks. They’re bad news. It was fixed in a day, and the mechanic was friendly and more than competent.  It’s nice to have a reliable mechanic, but it kinda sucks to NEED them, y’know?  Anyway…I’ve got the car back and all is fine.  Thanks to my dad for the assist in getting it all taken care of today and for the loan of his car so I didn’t have to miss more work.
3. I’m about halfway through the fifth Harry Potter Book (“Harry Potter and the Guys that are a Thing”). It’s good. A lot more “core story” right up front than in the previous books and it’s building really nicely toward something I don’t see coming yet. I like how Rowling seems to have allowed her storytelling and themes to “grow up” along with the original audience. If the first book was read by a 10-year-old, they would’ve been 16 by the time they read this one in the first pressing. And this feels a LOT more grown up than the first book. I’ve been very impressed with watching that transition happen through my quick read of the series.
4. Random thought: There should always be ONE person in your life that knows your internet password(s). Y’know…in case you die or something…
5. Leading worship at Pursuit this weekend. I’ve been used sparingly in past months, partly at my own request, but I’m really looking forward to it this week. I’ve missed it more than I thought I did.
6. I was playing guitar the other night and kicked on a heavy delay effect. Ditched my pick and just started improvising with different melodies in the key of A major. Played some of my own lines and some hymns and stuff, all strewn together with no real idea what was going to come out of my fingers next. After I came back upstairs, Jeremy called it “haunting.” That might be about right. When I do stuff like that, I always feel like that’s the most honest I am with myself as a musician, and in some ways as a person. I feel like those melodies are the ones that are inside of me that I normally don’t have the guts to explore for fear of botching the leads… I guess if it sounded any good, then it was somewhere inside of me and it just needed to come out. Wish I’d have recorded it.  I don’t get called “haunting” every day!
7. Speaking of recording, I gave recording the band a shot at practice on Tuesday. It was rough. We didn’t play very well and I had at least one microphone not working right. It was actually kind of discouraging. Going to try again next week. Hoping that even if the mics don’t work right again, at least we’ll play better. It always sucks to know you’re not playing up to your own standard…and then when you’ve got THREE guys all feeling that same weight, it’s just a bad night. I listened back to some of it and just kept thinking, “I swear we’re better than that…” But at least I nailed the solo in “Just Another Day,” I guess… (That might be my favorite song we do in the band…)
8. Watched a good amount of the new season of “Arrested Development” tonight.  It was better than I was expecting.  I think it helped that I was watching it with a couple of people who have a genuine love for the show.  It’s tough not to enjoy something that your friends are enjoying right next to you.
9. I should really go to bed…it’s after midnight.  But this DVR ain’t gonna watch itself…
10. Really, Internet spell-check?  You won’t accept “ain’t” as a word?  What are you, my third grade teacher (Mrs. Staude)?

Well if that’s not a note to go out on, I’m not sure what is…  Goodnight, all!

————

Current Listening:

• …And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead – Lost Songs
• And I’m going to rock some Aimee Mann in the car on the way in to work in the morning.

On Grace…

TRIGGER WARNING: I speak honestly about depression in this post, at great length.

I’ve been thinking all day about the word “grace.”

In fairness, I’ve probably been thinking about it for the last 20 years. If you go to church, it’s almost unavoidable. But it seems to have caught up with me today. There have been times where I thought I understood the word. I’ve written on the topic a lot. I’ve talked about it a lot. Like many of you, I’ve sung about how “amazing” it is in churches, funerals, and concerts. But even in understanding it, I don’t think I’ve ever really grasped it up to this point. But tonight I feel like I may have, so I’m writing about it before it gets away. And then in another 20 years, I’ll probably have another epiphany about it. Grace, friends, really IS amazing in that way.

Some of you reading this might not know what the word means in a theological context. Since that’s the context I’m exploring, I’ll go ahead and clarify up front. Most people seem to use the word grace to describe the fluidity with which a dancer dances, or the elegance with which a dignified person carries him/herself. And that’s fair. But that’s not the grace I’m talking about. If we’re speaking theologically, there’s a lot more going on. It doesn’t describe a physical action or an act of dignity or an item or person of particular beauty. Theologically, grace describes the furious, dumbfounding, inexplicable love of God. Grace describes a love that did not spare itself. A love poured out in blood that led to death, just for a wretch like me. A love poured out for murders, rapists, thieves, ex-husbands, and Justin Bieber. A love that needs only to be accepted and is your literal “Get Out of Hell FREE” card.

THAT grace.

Okay.

I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks. I don’t think it’s any secret to anyone who’s ever met me that I am prone to fairly serious, fairly lengthy bouts of depression. I don’t want to bore you with the sob-story… But in the past few weeks, I’ve felt worthless, useless, unhappy, and–I’m willing to admit it–I’ve been doubting my faith. My specific form of depression has the added upgrade of being theological in nature.

I tend to continue praying through my doubts. It’s all I know. (I long ago decided that it would be foolish to be angry with God if He didn’t exist…so in my anger, I often find my faith.) So I prayed. And prayed. And yelled. And swore. And then we stopped talking for a while… And the stress became overwhelming, and the fear became debilitating, and the feeling of worthlessness became an identity.

I don’t know exactly what started snapping me out of it. I never do. But I started talking to God again, in little ways. Then in bigger ways. I made the decision to go back to using tools that I knew WORKED in my prayer life, and worked my way through intentionally finding ways and reasons to tell God that even in my anger, I do still love Him–which is actually kind of at the root of why I’m angry. (You can only hold a grudge against someone if they MEAN something to you, after all.) I further decided to find the humility to admit that–shocking though it may be–SOME of my problems were my own fault, ha ha. That I’m a sinner. That I have betrayed God countless times before breakfast, and I am in need of forgiveness. I intentionally went out of my way to THANK Him for things–even things I wasn’t sure He had anything to do with–just to get back into the abandoned rhythm of attributing things to Him. And I made an effort to ask Him for things, but only if HE wanted me to have them. I asked Him above all for patience and that I would accept His “yes” or His “no” with praise on my lips.

There was no miracle. There were no immediate answers to prayers. I still have not received a clear answer on if I will or will not be blessed with the things I want–or even the things I am on some level convinced that I need. That’s not how this story goes–and a lot of the ones you hear that DO go that way are complete fabrications. So, so few are blessed with a burning bush. Most of us have to piece it together for ourselves.

But what of grace? It’s starting to sound like this didn’t work out at all…

Hang on.

I went to see my friend Bruce last week and we talked for about an hour and a half. He told me a story about an event in his life that he is convinced God was using to teach him patience. And I read Brennan Manning’s memoir, and much of it is about patience. And I had a discussion with a colleague at work, where they described ME as being “not very patient.” And that word kept coming up again and again and again. And I realized that the conflict I’ve been having with God isn’t that He doesn’t answer me…it’s that I don’t really deserve an answer, because I’m DEMANDING it of Him. In recent weeks, I have very literally said to God, “I expect You to let me know one way or the other by the end of the day.” Who am I to ask that of God? If He shook His head at me, that’s the least I deserved.

So…grace…

After it dawned on me that maybe I’M the problem, I began to earnestly pray for patience, as I described above. And it’s a struggle, but I feel like I’m learning it–after all of these attempts He’s been making to teach me. I’m going to fail at it…but I’m working on it. And then I prayed a very different kind of prayer. I prayed to God, apologizing for failing to recognize who I was talking to, and asking for HIM to speak. I seem to always do a lot of talking and very little listening. So I made an active effort to listen for God. And for a day or two, I didn’t hear anything. And then I still didn’t hear anything. And then I continued not to hear anything…and then I remembered–duh–I hadn’t been listening in the right places. The Bible IS called the “WORD” of God, after all, right?

I prayed. I asked God to come to me in my depression, in my anger, in my sadness, in my defeat, and in my worthlessness, and even if He would not provide an answer to if I will ever receive the things I have asked Him for, to please let me know that whatever happens, it will be okay. I asked for His help, and for His reassurance. I said “Amen” and–in an act I was CONVINCED would lead absolutely nowhere–I opened my Bible to a random page and read a random verse. And the very first words I saw are now burned into my brain:

“God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'”

…to save a wretch like me. THAT, friends, is grace.

And then yesterday, I had some time to myself. My roommate and I had discussed a few weighty things before he’d gone out for the night (nothing worth anybody out there losing sleep over–just big topics). And my head was filled with cloudy thoughts and memories of past struggles and people who’d caused me pain. And in the silence of my house, I took a moment to pray. I made an effort to bring those specific circumstances and people into clear focus in my mind. Faces, names, and wounds. And as I got a clear picture of each person in my mind–I swear this happened–I said aloud that wonderful word, “grace.” And I didn’t know why I was saying it, but I knew that as soon as I said it, the first person disappeared, and the next person came into focus. “Grace.” And another. “Grace.” And another. “Grace.” And partway through, I realized that for the first time in DECADES, I was recognizing people who’d hurt me as people who deserved forgiveness and kindness, and JESUS. And I was letting go.

I lost at least a half hour before I thought I was out of people…but God wasn’t done. I heard the voice of my own feelings of worthlessness and anger and pain still echoing…and I saw myself. I got a firm picture of myself the way I see myself in my mind–which is fairly (or maybe unfairly) unvarnished. And I hesitated…

…

…

…

“Grace.”

And my hands were shaking. And my eyes had clouded with tears. And I realized a deep truth about myself.

I have been depressed for 20 years. In that time, I have said and done things I deeply regretted, and I have never forgiven MYSELF for being…well…me. “Grace.” For 20 years, I have refused to admit to myself that I deserve to be loved. “Grace.” For 20 years, I have not believed that anything I will ever do will amount to anything or matter in the long-run. “Grace.” For 20 years, I have doubted my faith, spit in the face of Christ Almighty, and rejected the urge to even PICK UP my Bible, much less read it. “Grace.”

…and for 20 years, I have been convinced that God does not actually want me to be happy.

“GRACE! GRACE! GRACE! GRACE, DAMN IT…GRACE!”

I’m not out of the woods…but I felt something leave me yesterday afternoon. I’m still not totally sure what it is, and I don’t know if it will come back. But I know that there is love. There is hope. There is a peace that surpasses understanding. There is blood, shed for me, to cover my regrets, failings, feelings of worthlessness, pain, anger, impatience, doubts, faithlessness… And God LIKES me, and wants me to be happy–even if I don’t know or even yet agree with what He means by “happy.”

Grace.

Grace.

Grace.

Grace…

“That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!” – Homer Simpson

Okay. Let’s do a random post. Because I want to…

1. Finished up reading the fourth Harry Potter book (“Harry Potter and the Something Something”) last night. I enjoyed it quite a bit and the fifth one was delivered to the house today–thank you very much, Amazon gift card. I have noticed though that the style of the books is that 85% of them are background info leading up to the remaining 15% of core story in the last few chapters of the book. You could almost just start 3/4 of the way through and be okay. But you’d miss a lot of fun if you did that, of course. One problem though. Even knowing the cast of the movies, when I’m reading these books, I don’t see Daniel Radcliff as Potter…I see Elijah Wood. Because Elijah Wood stole my cinematic heart in Lord of the Rings, and now he’s in pretty much every book I read. In this one, he’s got stupid glasses on.
2. I managed to skirt blogging about my birthday, didn’t I? Well… It happened. I’m 33 now. I wasn’t too excited about my birthday this year. I was having a bad week leading up to it, and to be honest I am starting to feel a LOT older than most of the people I presently think of as my best friends (who are for the most-part 5 years or so younger than me). I know that’s stupid, and I don’t know WHY I’m feeling that. It’s just kind of there. Some people would embrace it and be fine with being the wise old sage of their group. I feel like the irresponsible, bitter, old assface of mine most of the time. Funny…I usually think of my birthday as my own personal New Year. This year I didn’t. I mostly tried to ignore it. Maybe it’ll come back around next year. Regardless though, when I hit 33 & 1/3 (Sept 29) I’m going to go buy a shitload of vinyl.
3. I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned on the blog that I’m now a fan of Downton Abbey. If I didn’t…I am. And after getting the 3rd Season DVD for my birthday, I’m all caught up and anxious for another season.
4. I finished reading Brennan Manning’s memoir “All is Grace” tonight.  I am very sad that I have no more new books to look forward to from Brennan.  But I am deeply grateful for every word I’ve read.  This was a particularly moving read, with his death still being so recent, and with some of the subject matter described.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I happened to read a book where he is starkly confessional about his alcoholism right when I make the choice to stop drinking.  Or that I read his story of finally coming to peace with the rocky relationship he had with his mother and finally finding a way to forgive her for the mistakes she made just a few weeks after I visited my mother’s grave for the first time in almost 20 years.  Brennan’s words seem to always be what I need, when I need them…and as I said in my post about people who made me love words,  I have not yet fully absorbed his loss.
5. I mentioned some diaries I keep in a recent post. Seems like any time I mention them, someone asks me about them… So here’s a short summary of the five I regularly keep:
   • Diary Name: The Mundane
     Purpose: Day-to-day journal.
     This is where I write down the (mostly) boring details. Stuff like places I went to eat, parties I went to, bands I saw, and ways I feel about stuff. I don’t write in it every day–though I certainly MEAN to… I got out of the habit of writing in this one daily by accident when I was switching from one book to another and had a few days in-between where I didn’t write because I didn’t HAVE the new book. So now I write in it mostly when something BIG happens, or when I just need to put my bitching onto paper. (And there’s a LOT of bitching in this one, I’m afraid.) It’s for the type of stuff I’d blog about if I wanted to be even more boring and have even more enemies.
   • Diary Name: The Music or the Misery
     Purpose: A more or less daily log of music I listen to.
     This is another one I often forget to update, mostly because so much of what I listen to happens while I’m driving. I’ve gotten better about it lately though. It’s mostly just a quick list of what the particular CD was that was playing in the background that day. Don’t usually go into any further detail, unless it’s a new release/first listen (which I’ll note) or there’s something extra-special about it like I’m listening to it because somebody in the band died or something.
   • Diary Name: Reading Journal
     Purpose: I think this one’s fairly self-explanatory.
     I use this diary to write down what I read and my thoughts on it. Sadly, though I read a lot, I often forget to write in this one until I’ve reached the END of a book. I fail to note a lot of my journey along the way–and isn’t that the fun part? But still, it serves as a pretty good recap of the stuff I enjoy. Or hate. Or whatever. And I like looking back through it and remembering the fun of reading a particular book and what I was going through at the time… And sometimes it reminds me to FINISH books I’ve errantry set aside.
   • Diary Name: Best Three Things
     Purpose: I’m sure I’ve talked about this one before. Every day, I write down the best three things that happened that day.
     It doesn’t have to be anything world-changing or majorly important. It doesn’t really even have to be anything really WORTH writing down. The “Best Three Things” that happen to you in the course of a day kind of works on a sliding scale. Some days, I might list a major personal achievement or awesome happening… But on a day where everything is going wrong, an entry might just be that I enjoyed a new episode of Deadliest Catch. Here’s one at random… My “Best Three Things” for 5/9/13 were: (1) Went to see Jurassic Park in 3-D with Jeremy, Keeler, Dani, and Josh. (2) Finally feeling mostly well (I’d had a cold). (3) Stayed up really late for no good reason, watching TV after the movie. …stuff like that. And I’m actually pretty religious about writing in this one EVERY day.
   • Diary Name: ???
     Hmm?: What?
     My fifth regular diary WAS called “Serious Drinking” and was a log of beers, wines, and liquors I’ve enjoyed. But as I’m now not drinking, I’m going to need to have a new diary, I guess… I was thinking of either a log of songs/sets I personally PLAY (opposed to the list of stuff I just listened to), or a thing where I just specifically write about people I know or something… I don’t know. This one’s pending… 🙂
6. RANT: I’ve seen a rash of friends “deleting” their Facebook pages recently.  (Though–word to the wise–it’s never actually gone.  Facebook keeps your page on file forever.)  More often than not I see that from Christian friends who claim they’re finding Facebook a distraction from their “real life” and they want to focus more on God.  That’s what they SAY.  What they mean is, “I don’t want to keep in touch with all of you anymore and I’m using God as my copout.”  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but everything you do IS your “real life” and the people who you’re disconnecting with on Facebook are REAL people.  Don’t insult them by saying they’re not part of your real life, and at least have the decency to admit you’re choosing to leave those relationships hanging.  Even if you DO feel a religious guilt for the amount of time you spend on Facebook, it’s not your place to designate other human beings as not being meaningful and in essence telling them that they are wasting their lives by being connected to one another while you cloister yourself on your holy hill.  Those who withdraw from social media actually kind of sadden me.  They’ve LEFT real life for a fantasy of how they think their life SHOULD be–and they’ve left REAL FRIENDS behind in the process.

This thing has gotten longer than I anticipated, even though it seems like I didn’t write that much…  Huh…  I’m going to call it here.  Going to escape into a world of wizards and spells for a while.  Then I’m going to read more Harry Potter.

————

Current Listening:

• Steve Martin & Edie Brickell – “Love Has Come for You” – I don’t use the word “flawless” very often…but there it is.  Absolutely great record.

In Which I Explain Why I’ve Stopped Drinking…

I think word has started to get around my friends and family and assorted well-wishers, so I’m going to make it official by blogging about it. (And isn’t that sad?)

I have decided to stop drinking.

I know. It’s weird. I want to be clear in stating that I am not, nor have I ever been an addict. This isn’t that. And it’s not some religious or moral awakening, or pretentious, holier-than-thou, evils of alcohol bit. I’m just stopping. I’ve had enough. Thought it was significant enough to explain why, for those who are curious–and I should state that I’ve put a LOT more thought into this for a LOT longer of a time period than most people will probably realize. Please don’t read this as any kind of admonishment of those of you who continue to partake. I think it’s great that you’re still having fun with it, and I hope you’ll still have me around even if you’re hanging out in a bar and I’m the loser drinking a Coke. My choice doesn’t change your life and there’s no reason why it should. I just want to explain how I got there. There are basically three reasons…

REASON THE FIRST: I have become uncomfortable with the frequency with which I drink.

It’s not every day. But it is every week…and too often close ENOUGH to every day. And there are good excuses for it… I have a band practice or a gig. I went to see a band play. I had a rough day at work. It’s a party. It’s here. It’s Tuesday… But whatever the reason, it has become a little too often.  It’s to the point that whereas I have experienced no withdrawals, I realize that there are things I can not envision doing WITHOUT alcohol. And that shouldn’t be. I should be able to have fun, or be stressed, or play music, or whatever WITHOUT it. When the alcohol is more important than the experience you’re having, you need to re-evaluate its presence in your life.

REASON THE SECOND: I have become uncomfortable with the reasons for which I choose to drink.

It’s not always for fun. In fact, I find myself drinking out of anger or depression far more frequently than I find myself drinking because “we’re all having fun, how about a beer?” For example: A couple of weeks ago, the insomnia was in full-force and I hadn’t slept well for several days. I came home one night and pounded down a fairly strong, fairly expensive bottle of wine in about an hour, just hoping it’d knock me out. It did. And though it might have been effective, it wasn’t responsible. I woke up later that night (with no hangover–I’ve actually never had a hangover) and thought, “That wasn’t good. Why did I do that?” And that worried me–it isn’t medicine and shouldn’t be used that way. Alcohol can be a very enjoyable thing…but for someone prone to insomnia and depression, it can also be very dangerous. Tequila and the memory of “the one that got away” isn’t a good combination. I have started to see the danger of alcohol’s use in my life. And I know me. If I don’t stop, I WON’T stop. So it’s cold-turkey time. Maybe–MAYBE–I’ll have some wine at a wedding or champagne on New Year’s Eve…but otherwise, you can think of me as your designated driver.

REASON THE LAST: Solidarity.

I absolutely will not share someone else’s private details, but I will say what I think is safe. I have a good friend who had a bad problem and is at the point that he HAS to stop to save his life. That scares me on a lot of levels, and it comes down to this… If nothing else I don’t want him to have to go through it alone. So I’m stopping too. The other factors listed above are major, major contributors…but sometimes you can have every reason in the world to quit and you don’t until you find the one reason that’s actually IMPORTANT to you. And my friend is very, very important to me. I SHOULD quit because of the other reasons I listed. But I AM quitting out of love and support for a good friend. And even if we eventually fail each other, it was worth it to try.

So there you have it. I appreciate any good thoughts or support. I also will particularly appreciate your patience as it relates to Reason #2. It may take some time before I find alternate coping methods when I normally would’ve said, “Ugh…I need a drink…” I apologize if there’s some extra yelling or if I’ve got a lot of donuts I refuse to share or something.

I do reserve the right to eventually say, “Ehh…I’ll have ONE…” and thereby nullify this post.  But I hope that doesn’t happen.

————

Current Listening:

• Billy Talent – Dead Silence
• Mark Lanegan & Duke Garwood – Black Pudding