Thinking About Robin Williams

I’m writing this on the sixth anniversary of when we lost Robin Williams.

Robin with his daughter Zelda, playing Legend of Zelda. (Source: https://winkgo.com/zelda-williams-streaming-legend-zelda-charity/)

I don’t feel like I ever really mourned Robin. When he died, Ferguson, MO was at the peak of its protests. (And for what it’s worth, I count the rioting that was then and is now happening as a form of protest. I no longer believe in separating the two.) I live a bike-ride away from Ferguson. I worked at a church with the word “Ferguson” in its name in a different life. I have deep ties there. (Side note: That church is no longer in operation. It also took no real public stand in the immediate aftermath of the murder–I’ll say it again MURDER–of Michael Brown. Do what you want with that.) At any rate, I was distracted at the time. It didn’t feel important to mourn someone who I admittedly admired, but who ultimately was a fun distraction in my life rather than a friend.

So…I failed to mourn Robin Williams.

But today, I feel a heaviness in my heart that has been on and off when I’ve thought about him over the past several years. I wrote after his death that Robin Williams was a man who could’ve picked up any phone in America, dialed any seven numbers, and found someone who said, “Yeah, I LOVE Robin Williams!” Yet that wasn’t enough to save him. “Because that’s how depression works.”

A lot has come out about Robin’s health since he died. He had an incurable illness. He was losing himself, daily. As deeply as I find suicide to be unpardonable, I also believe that the fact that Robin went out knowing who he was is a small blessing. That he was able to KNOW what he was leaving–and more importantly what he was avoiding–is a small consolation. I understand it. I do not support it. But I understand it.

And tonight I mourn. I loved Robin Williams. He made me laugh. He made me cry. He made me *think.* And that last one is the most important.

In this post I used a picture of Robin playing Legend of Zelda with his daughter, who is also named Zelda (for obvious reasons). If you’re on the e-mail list, I don’t know if they send the pictures with it, so I want to mention it. In the picture, Robin doesn’t look like Robin. He has a big, thick beard that’s mostly grey. And I love that version of him. That’s my favorite Robin Williams. As my beard gets thicker and greyer, I see myself in that Robin Williams. I don’t know if you can see it too…but I see it.

See it?

I miss Robin Williams. I wonder what he would have done with Donald Tr*mp being in the White House. I wonder what he would have said about COVID-19. I wonder what kind of streaming media he would’ve given us now that it’s a regular thing in all of our lives. Jesus…can you IMAGINE Robin Williams unfiltered on a live-stream or an Instagram story? We’re missing out on a lot.

And I’m sad about that tonight.

Off the top of my head, here’s a brief list of Robin Williams movies I’ve enjoyed–that actually MEANT something to me (in no order):

• Awakenings
• Dead Again
• Hook
• Good Morning Vietnam
• Adventures of Baron Von Munchausen
• Toys
• Death to Smoochy
• Mrs. Doubtfire
• Dead Poets Society
• The Birdcage
• Good Will Hunting
• One Hour Photo
• Patch Adams
• The Fisher King

…etc…etc…

I’m embarrassed by how few of those I own on BluRay. (I plan on fixing that soon.) Think about just that list for a moment. There are movies you want to add to it. There are some that you think, “well of course.” There are some that are cliches. There are some you haven’t seen. There is at least one you haven’t HEARD of… As I’m writing this, I’m realizing suddenly that I didn’t even have Aladdin on that list…or his role in Hamlet…or Jack…and I didn’t even TOUCH his TV roles…shit…

He was versatile. He spoke to EVERYONE. Robin Williams was everything to everyone and I have not heard any negative story about him from anyone in the industry. The worst I’ve ever heard was a weak accusation of “he stole my joke!” from hack comics who just happened to write the same joke Robin ad-libbed about a current event, or the odd story that is tempered with “well…he was on cocaine at the time and…” but ends with a smile and acceptance.

Robin Williams…

Robin Williams was special.

It has taken me six years to realize just how much I miss him. Six years, and I’m just now realizing that I’m never going to see a new Robin Williams movie again. More than half a decade to realize I’ll never see an unexpected cameo on a sitcom again, like when he and Billy Crystal walked onto the set of Friends. (And good lord that was in 1997–where has the time gone?) It has taken me six years (and the deaths of countless other unarmed Black people at the hands of police in America) to realize how deeply it hurt to lose Robin. Because he was the kind of guy you just thought would live forever. And even now, I feel like he will still pop up again. And I know he will. I know he’ll live forever…

I don’t know where I’m going with this. You’ve probably realized that by now.

In all honesty this is somewhat prompted by the fact that I’ve been listening to old episodes of the podcast Harmontown, on which Robin once appeared. I’m up to the year in which he died and they’ve mentioned him a bit. His loss was felt by anyone he touched, and he was on their stage, joking around with them, making their night a lot more fun. I can’t even imagine that…yet Dan Harmon and company were right there for it and shared it with their listening audience. And I’ve listened to that episode a lot. It’s serendipity that I happen to be listening to this era of the show on the anniversary of Robin’s death–just a few weeks after what should have been his birthday.

I guess one of the things I want to say is that I forgive him. I forgive Robin Williams for killing himself. That’s hard to do. Suicide is one of the few things I find unforgiveable in life. There are friends and family members I haven’t forgiven yet. Most of them had temporary problems. Robin’s medical problem was permanent and was only going to get worse for both himself and everyone he cared about. Maybe that makes it easier.

I didn’t know him personally and can’t comment on what his family or friends should feel…but I’m finding it easier to accept his decision than it has been to accept “my marriage was falling apart” or “I lost my job” or the excuses I’ve heard from those to whom I’m closer. At the same time, I wouldn’t fault Zelda or Bobcat Goldthwait (Robin’s best friend) if they’re having more trouble forgiving it than I do. The proximity of your love is always a factor in your loss. I was Robin’s fan–I can shed a tear and move along.

Nevertheless… Robin, I understand and I forgive you. Even though I would never make that choice myself…and for what it’s worth, if you’d been yourself, I don’t think you would’ve either.

And I guess that’s all I really want to say.

I miss Robin Williams. I get why he did what he did…but it’ll never stop being sad that he did it.

If you’re reading this, please don’t make any decisions that it takes the randos who don’t even know you six years to forgive. Go back on your meds. Go back to your shrink. Talk to your priest. Fuck, start drinking again… Whatever it takes for you to stick around and keep pouring love into this world.

But whatever you do, KEEP pouring love into this world. We need it.

Small(?) Update

Well my last post got some attention pretty much overnight. 🙂

I did end up reading essentially that post at Grandma’s funeral. It went well and I hope it helped people celebrate her life. I made some semi-spur-of-the-moment edits to it, because some stuff works in a blog post but not in speech and vice-versa, but more or less it was the same.

There were a couple things that needed to be corrected when I actually spoke–most notably that the story I told where Grandma hitchhiked home WAS true (my uncle confirmed it for me that morning–she’d been driving a 1986 Buick Century). But also, she wasn’t rescued by a Prime driver, she was rescued by a JB Hunt driver in Farmington, MO. Per Ron (he’s my uncle) she wanted to write a letter to JB Hunt to thank their driver, but he asked her not to because they’re not supposed to do that kind of thing and he might get fired for it. So I’ve got to make the transition from thinking about Grandma when Prime comes up to thinking about her when JB Hunt comes up…and I got my first chance to do that on Thursday! 🙂

I took this screenshot instead of answering the phone, like a jerk. Sorry “work.”

My brother also spoke at the funeral, and you can read his transcript of what he said here. He did great. I wish he had more opportunities for public speaking and writing and whatnot. He’s very good.

The day itself felt really long, although also really cathartic. With a few exceptions, I’ve been pretty much locked up in my house since mid-March, so being out at the funeral home and cemetery over those two days was the most I’ve been out and seen people in pretty much four months. It didn’t feel *too* strange, but I was a little anxious about it. Fortunately most people who attended chose to wear masks and there was a decent amount of social distancing going on. My favorite moment was when my cousin Drew walked in and saw me. He walked up to me and said, “Hey Derek! How’re we doing this?” and gestured to ask if I was comfortable with a handshake, hug, or elbow bump. We settled on the elbow bump. I think that Drew’s “how’re we doing this” is going to be my default greeting going forward from here. 🙂

The funeral was lovely. The pastor who ran the service read some texts and e-mails and whatnot from different family members, and via social media my cousin Samantha (Sammy) pointed out that Grandma had passed away on Grandma’s husband’s birthday. He’d passed away in the mid-70s, but Grandma never re-married and always talked about Mel in a way that you could tell he was the one and only love of her life. I guess her final birthday present to him was to come home to him on that day. I didn’t know that she’d died on his birthday–he’d died a few years before I was born–but that fact is so beautiful that it immediately rushed to my heart and my tear-ducts and made the start to my eulogy a little shaky. (I acknowledged that I hadn’t realized it, through tears and a shaking voice as I started my remarks.)

I’ve found that as I get older I’ve been crying more. And it’s not because I find things to be sadder than I used to… It’s because some things are just TOO beautiful.

After the funeral service ended, we all piled into our cars to take the roughly 45-minute drive to the cemetery, due to the weird route we took. I had the honor of being a pallbearer alongside my brother, several cousins, and a close friend of the family. I didn’t always call Grandma when I was supposed to, but I’m glad could do that for her. She was buried alongside her husband Mel, just about a block down the road from where my mom is buried. Y’know, I’d never known where my grandpa was buried. Somehow it’s just never come up–probably because I’ve never met him. So that was an informative moment for me.

After the graveside moment, several of us then drove another half-hour out to my uncle’s church (which was also Grandma’s church in her final years–although I think her heart was still in Ferguson) for the repass/repast (depending on where you’re from) lunch. That felt weird. Usually during those moments I’d work the room a little and decompress. But with COVID in force, I mainly just sat at the table with my immediate family and even then it felt strange to take off my mask to eat. (And of course now I’m 100% sure I have the virus as a result, even though I have no symptoms.) The time we live in makes mourning harder than it’s ever been before… But I did get to have a nice few moments with my cousin Cory that afternoon. We’re going to get a drink together once it feels safe to do it. He’s a good cat.

And that’s one of the things that’s been tugging at my heart this whole time… I’ve got family all over the States, and even into other countries in some cases…but I’ve also got family RIGHT HERE. And for a while now I’ve been wanting to do a better job of honoring that. My cousin Pam–with whom I spent a little time this week–does a GREAT job of keeping up with all of the cousins, aunts, and uncles. But I just kinda fill in the gaps by talking to Pam (and/or our cousin Terry). I spend a lot of my free time just kinda sinking into myself and my own interests when I could be reaching out and building close relationships with family. And I want to get better at being an active member of the family. Maybe a beer or whiskey with Cory is a foot in the door of that. Or maybe I just need to text more people. Or something…

All I know is I don’t want to find myself saying “I should’ve called more” again.

I got home from the funeral, sat down on my couch, and fell asleep for three hours without even loosening my tie. I hadn’t been sleeping much the previous few nights–because Derek–and I guess I needed the rest.

All said and done, Grandma has been laid to rest after a life well lived. I’ve been thinking about her a lot over the past few days, of course, and it strikes me how much she overcame and managed to smile through. Born in the 20s with the nation in a shaky-state, she eventually lost her husband, lost her daughter, lost most of her siblings (there were 12 of them!), had a host of medical problems from strokes to diabetes to who-knows-what…and yet always had time for people and always had joy. For 95 years.

I’m lucky if I hold on to joy for 95 minutes.

Way to go, Grandma.

Rest in Peace, Grandma

My grandma died at around 3 a.m. on July 3rd. (She was my last living grandparent. That’s a new feeling.) She reportedly went peacefully in her sleep. She had been in the hospital with pneumonia and fluid around her heart, but it seemed like she’d be okay–from what I understand there were even talks that she’d be going home within the next couple of days. Then–just like that–she was just gone.

I was off work that day and slept in. I woke up to the message on my cell phone from my uncle. Or rather I eventually noticed that I had a message. Unfortunately my phone doesn’t really grab my attention with a flashing, neon, “someone died” light or anything. So I was late in finding out. Very Derek. So a few phone calls later and I was alone in my house just thinking about it for a while.

I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts on what to say about Grandma. My uncle was kind enough to ask if any of the grandkids wanted to say a few words at her funeral and at first I thought I would, but when I started trying to write something it just felt self-indulgent and not in tone with what I would WANT to say at her funeral, so I declined. It’s almost midnight after the wake with the funeral to come at 11a.m. and I’m just now typing this, so I feel like that decision is valid…but if anyone sees this prior to the funeral and insists I could be tempted to read it, for the record.

…but basically I didn’t think a room full of my relatives needed to hear me say, “she was right–I should’ve called more.”

There’s more to it than that, of course. But yeah, it’s in my nature to think back on how I could’ve called or visited more. At the same time, Grandma didn’t call me that often either–I think she thought I live a busier life than I do–but that’s a two way street and I know I tend to just kinda park once I get home from work. Still, every time I looked at the caller ID and it was Grandma calling, I did pick up. I don’t pick up for everybody.

This is already too self-judgemental. See why I didn’t want to do this in the room?

I have good memories of Grandma. I have some that make me sad and regret stuff too (those are my default settings!), but I have a majority of good ones. Grandma was kind. That’s such a small word for a big thing, but it’s a good one. That’s who she was.

When my mom died in 1994, I remember how hard it hit Grandma to lose her daughter. I remember someone having to bring her a chair during the wake while she fell apart and her legs grew weak upon the initial viewing. That’s a sad memory, but it’s an important one…because I also remember how freely and generously Grandma welcomed Susan into our family as Dad’s significant other in 1995. It was never an issue or a problem. There was never any standoffishness. Dad had found someone new that he loved and Grandma welcomed her. She told me once that she was glad Dad moved on because after her husband (Mel Herweck) had died she kind of didn’t and it took her a long time to start having fun again. So she was glad Dad had friends and a girlfriend because she knew what it was like to feel alone. I don’t know if I’ve ever told Dad that. But that was Grandma. She was happy to see Dad happy. Because that’s who she was.

And I remember how excited Grandma has been at every wedding for her grandkids. She was all about spending time with family and loved seeing it increase. The grandkids’ husbands and wives were new grandkids to her. Because at her core, she was happy that we’re happy…that’s who she was.

In hand with that, I remember how for years almost every time I talked to her, Grandma would ask me when I was going to find a nice girl and settle down. I’m not sure what kind of lifestyle she thought I led… Usually my weekends consist of sitting quietly and reading until it’s time to go to work again. There’s not much more “settled down” that I can get. But that’s the phrase she always used. I had a variety of answers. In better times, “well I’m working on it” and in worse, “well I’m pretty settled” would be go-to replies. It took me a long time to realize that she wasn’t being a busy-body or pressuring me. She just wanted me to be happy. That’s who she was. (For what it’s worth, now that I’m 40… Grandma, I’m working on it…but I’m pretty settled.)

Grandma did know that the great love of my life has been music, though. And she made it a habit to ask me about that too. Are you still playing your guitar? Do you still play at church? Do you have any gigs coming up? (Although she always called them “digs.” She misheard the word and went with it…much like she always called K-Mart “K-Mark.”) Grandma was unfamiliar with my songwriting–thank GOD!–but she knew I loved doing it and would ask about it because she knew I found joy it in. She took joy from hearing about the things that gave YOU joy. That’s…who she was.

I have a memory of Grandma that I’m not sure is true. I ran this story by a couple of the cousins and my brother earlier and none of them remembered it…but I think I’m right. Grandma went to Arkansas to visit family a lot. There’s a family farm that kind of connects everybody and it’s typical for there to be a bed there waiting for any family member who needed it. In years gone by, Grandma went there a lot and often on her own. On one such trip her car broke down and she needed to get back home so she caught a ride with a truck driver–and the reason I’m so sure that’s true is because I specifically remember it being a Prime truck (they’re a specific delivery company for those who don’t know). After getting home she later was riding in a car with one of her brothers and every time they passed a Prime truck on the road, he locked the car doors to make sure Grandma wouldn’t get out and hitch a ride, as a joke. Years later, I now work in commercial trucking insurance and Prime trucks come up a lot in conversation. Every time they do I briefly think, “better lock the doors so Grandma doesn’t hitch a ride!”

Grandma, for all of her proper Southern Baptist-ness, was a free spirit when it came to traveling. She took a lot of trips and had a good time. My cousin Cory was out of town when she died and cut a trip with his new wife short to come back and he commented that he knew if it was up to her she’d want him to keep traveling. And he’s right. Because that’s (say it with me) who she was.

I last talked to Grandma two weeks ago. My birthday was May 29th and she sent me a card with a check in it for $25, but a mail SNAFU meant that it didn’t reach my house until a couple weeks later. It arrived and I called to let her know. (Of course, being Derek I called two days after I should have.) She seemed in good spirits. She was glad I got the check and wished me a happy birthday again even though we’d already talked closer to the date. She knew, of course, that I’m 40 and it wasn’t necessary to send me a check at this point…but she wanted to. She wanted to make sure I had a little extra pocket money to spend on something fun. She wanted me to enjoy my birthday. That’s who she was.

In that last conversation I am very proud of the fact that I said “I love you” quickly enough that she didn’t get the chance to say it first. I think you should always make it a race to say “I love you” to somebody. I won that one. I didn’t call enough–I know I didn’t. But I hope the “I love yous” always felt real. She didn’t know it…but I think I have the last 10 years of birthday cards she sent. (But I cashed and spent the checks.)

There are a dozen other things I want to talk about and a dozen other memories coming to mind. One of the things that knocked me over earlier this week was the realization that I’m never going to have another piece of her banana nut cake. That’s my favorite cake. At all or at least most of the family gatherings when she knew I would be there, Grandma made SURE I would get a piece of MY banana nut cake. Because that’s who she was. And that’s not going to happen again. And no…you don’t know how she made it. You don’t have the recipe. You aren’t sure you know a great recipe that will remind me of Grandma any time I eat it. And even if you do…respectfully, I don’t want it. I want my Grandma’s banana nut cake.

And that’s okay.

I know she’d want me to have the recipe–that’s who she was–but sometimes losing something means more than having it.

So…

I guess if I have any message I’d like you to take with you from this post it’s this. Be kind, be accepting, be generous, take pleasure in the pleasure of others…

And enjoy every slice of cake.

Make that who you are. I’ll try to, too.

“Not many people know I was the first person to own a radio in Springfield. Weren’t much on the airwaves those days, just Edison reciting the alphabet. ‘A,’ he’d say, then ‘B’… ‘C’ would usually follow…” – Abraham Simpson

The last time I wrote anything here was January 28th. Anything interesting happen lately? Anything, say, of global impact that for some reason only the USA sees as a political issue?

I’ve been fortunate enough to still be working and to be able to do it from home. Although soon my office will be expecting to have us back, of course. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about that. I live in the part of Missouri that presently has the most cases of the virus in the state–it’s literally my CITY, not just my region. Personally I’ve been taking this very seriously and I’ve gone since March 20th without being in the same room as anyone else. I’d be much happier to KEEP it that way until there’s a confirmed vaccine. But so it goes.

In the meantime, let’s do some catching-up, in the usual way…

1. WordPress has changed the way you make new posts. I don’t like it. Nothing’s where it should be and there is severe lag between typing and it showing up on the screen. (In music-tech we call it “latency” but I don’t know if it’s the same for this…but it sucks.)
2. I released a new solo album in April called “Departure.” It’s entirely instrumental stuff and I’m really proud of it. It’s available at Bandcamp, per usual, and of course you can get it for free by entering $0.00 as your purchase price, or more if you’re feeling generous. But don’t worry. If you take it for free I won’t know you did. It tells me how many downloads there were, but not who downloaded it. I’m just glad people are listening.
3. I have a plumber coming over tomorrow. I have a crack in one of the main stacks and a drip in a shutoff valve for the toilet connected to it. (I caused the latter trying to turn off the water flow to the toilet. Of course.) I hate having plumbers and stuff like that over–I don’t like the disruption. Because this won’t be a one-and-done visit. I’m 100% sure the stack will need to be replaced. And (long story) there’s also going to have to be some new flooring put in in that bathroom. So it’s going to be a very big project and will probably result in me having to sleep and shower elsewhere for a while. I’m not happy. And I wish it could wait one more week so I could live at home during my birthday.
4. And that’s something. I’ll be turning 40 on Friday. Then it’s just the long roll down the hill to the grave, I suppose. I’ll be celebrating it with just a Zoom call to the family. No going out. No party. COVID-19 is a bigger deal than Derek 40. I’m fine with that. I’m pro-social distancing and sheltering in place. It’s fucking stupid that anyone’s opposed. It’s the most selfish thing in the world to go out right now. And since I’m not a shitty person who is also probably not washing my hands (although isn’t it interesting no one’s protesting THAT), I’ll be turning 40 at home. Or wherever I’m staying while the fucking plumber will be ripping out my bathroom floor.
5. I’m working on other music, apart from the Departure release. Probably going to release something else this year, but don’t know when. I’m barely into the demo-stage of less than half of a full album. So it’ll be a while.
6. I also have to renew my driver’s license. This week I guess. Although with the plumber here I’m not sure when I’m supposed to make that work either. I wish they could just do that online. All I have to do is identify six road signs, pay a fee, and get my picture taken. We should be able to do that over the internet by now. Instead I’ve got to go to the DMV in the middle of a pandemic, in the area with the most infections in the state. That’s just how the timing always seems to work for me.
7. I’ve been listening to a lot of The Who. Saw them in St. Louis a year ago (well…a year and two days as I’m writing this) and it popped up in my Facebook memories. I recently bought a new stereo receiver with Bluetooth, so I listened to a massive Who playlist I’ve got on my phone–it’s almost 7 hours long with no songs repeated–and there are still about a dozen I left off! I’ll post that playlist at the end for no good reason.
8. I’ve talked about most of the stuff I’ve been watching and whatnot on my podcast lately. In brief I’ve gotten into the TV show Community and don’t know how I missed it when it was on. Also I’ve gotten all caught up on the movies of Kevin Smith that I’d not seen, with the exception of Cop Out, which I’ll get to someday eventually maybe. I’ve enjoyed having the extra time for stuff like that.
9. My diet has been difficult to maintain in quarantine. It’s tough to eat healthy amidst the hoarders who have no idea why they’re buying fresh vegetables who are then ordering pizza. So I haven’t really lost any weight during this–ideally I still need to drop about 10-15 pounds to be the right weight for my height. But the good news is I also haven’t really been gaining either. On bad weeks I’ll fluctuate within about 5 pounds from where I was when this who lockdown started. So that’s good.
10. I bought a new guitar for my birthday. It’s a Gretsch 12 string electric. If I can figure out how to put a picture into this post with this new horrible interface you’ll see it here. If not, then fuck WordPress.
11. I mentioned my podcast above. I wasn’t able to get an episode together this week because I was prepping for the plumber to come over. I’m a very bad housekeeper and there were several days worth of work needed to get someone in here even on a semi-emergency. It’ll be back next week. I think.
12. Seriously…if they don’t fix the lag with this interface, this might be my last post. If that happens then you know what caused it. I don’t know why people can’t just leave something that works ALONE. (I counted while watching that last sentence type itself after I stopped typing…8 seconds! Unacceptable.)

…and I don’t know…I need a haircut and I miss going to the record store and hanging out with my family. But otherwise I have most of the stuff I like in my house and I’ve been having everything else (including groceries) delivered. There are a lot of aspects of it I’ve actually really liked. This post seems to read otherwise though. Oh well.

Here’s that Who playlist I promised you. I’m only now realizing it’s exactly 100 tracks!

1. Pete Dialogue (from the “Maximum R&B” Box Set. It’s just Pete yelling at the crowd to shut up for about 40 seconds.)
2. Overture
3. It’s a Boy
4. I Can’t Explain
5. 5:15
6. Sea and Sand
7. The Seeker
8. It’s Not Enough
9. The Real Me
10. Quadrophenia
11. Another Tricky Day
12. Leaving Here
13. Heaven and Hell
14. Cut My Hair
15. Love Ain’t for Keeping
16. Eyesight to the Blind
17. The Punk and the Godfather
18. Street Song
19. A Legal Matter
20. Shout and Shimmy
21. Mary Anne with the Shaky Hand
22. Going Mobile
23. Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere
24. Baba O’Riley
25. Beads on One String
26. Sensation
27. Studio Dialogue (from the “Maximum R&B” set–an outtake/false-start of “Behind Blue Eyes” that’s pretty funny.
28. Behind Blue Eyes
29. God Speaks to Marty Robbins
30. Dreaming from the Waist
31. Tattoo
32. Fortune Teller
33. Pure and Easy
34. Real Good Looking Boy
35. In the Ether
36. Wire & Glass
37. Baby Don’t You Do It
38. Relay
39. Naked Eye
40. Mike Post Theme
41. Who Are You
42. Break the News
43. A Man in a Purple Dress
44. They Are All in Love
45. How Many Friends
46. Eminence Front
47. Sister Disco
48. Getting in Tune
49. Ball and Chain
50. Doctor Jimmy
51. Be Lucky
52. Fragments
53. All This Music Must Fae
54. Slip Kid
55. The Kids Are Alright
56. Pictures of Lily
57. I Can See for Miles
58. So Sad About Us
59. Blue, Red and Grey
60. Don’t Let Go the Coat
61. Old Red Wine
62. Music Must Change
63. Happy Jack
64. Squeeze Box
65. Long Live Rock
66. Under My Thumb
67. Let’s See Action
68. Welcome
69. I’m One
70. Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting
71. I’m the Face
72. The Dirty Jobs
73. New Song
74. Young Man Blues
75. I’m Free
76. Magic Bus
77. The Last Time
78. My Generation
79. Substitute
80. A Quick One While He’s Away
81. Imagine a Man
82. My Wife
83. I’m a Boy
84. Drowned
85. The Song is Over
86. Pinball Wizard
87. Bargain
88. Too Much of Anything
89. Amazing Journey
90. Sparks
91. You Better You Bet
92. I’ve Had Enough
93. Water
94. Join Together
95. Won’t Get Fooled Again
96. The Rock
97. Love, Reign O’er Me
98. We’re Not Gonna Take It
99. See Me, Feel Me
100. Tea & Theatre

High Fidelity – The Music, The Misery, and the Playlist

If you’re anything like me you’ve seen High Fidelity (the 2000 movie starring John Cusack) or read the book, or both. If you’re a lot like me, you’ve wanted to make a playlist of the music in the movie, have bought the soundtrack, and over the years have slowly grown your collection from there to include more of the stuff not on the CD. And if you want a list of the songs in the movie, they’re all listed in the credits very clearly and it’s easy enough to pause on them and jot it all down.

But, if you’re pretty much JUST me, you’ve also wanted a definitive list of the music referenced but NOT played in the movie. The songs and artists they just talk about. The t-shirts they wear and the posters so clearly visible in Rob’s apartment. The major record sleeves and labels clearly visible in significant ways or that glaringly stick out in the background. The stuff that most of the audience should never care about because why the hell WOULD they?

Well, Me…I’ve made you a list. I’ve seen the movie probably dozens of times. But I rewatched it this past weekend with a notebook resting on my lap and was furiously making a list of the above items. There are surely some I missed. Some of the record-store shots pass by so quickly and there are so many records on the shelves that I would’ve been making the list for weeks if I had to freeze frame all of it. And although something tells me that one day I’ll do exactly that if I ever take a vacation…for now, I’ve just listed what I saw and heard. Even if there are some missing it’s still a hell of a lot more than anyone else has done!

So, we’ll start with the easy part for those who just want to save this in a note in their phone and check off what they want. (Of COURSE I’ve got that note in my phone.) We’ll start with the stuff listed in the credits…then we’ll get nuts.  I even looked into the deleted scenes, kids…and I looked into a few I didn’t know anything about because some of them might’ve been music JUST used for the movie–or in a couple of very odd cases bands and albums that were completely made up and never existed at all! So I did the hard work for you, basically, and I explain that where it’s relevant.

I know this post isn’t for everybody. I’ll be a little surprised if it’s for anybody. But here we go. (And yes, I also intend to re-read the book at a later date and make a list from that too since it’s mostly different artists–but one step at a time…)

Songs As Listed in the Credits:

• 13th Floor Elevators – “You’re Gonna Miss Me”
• Bow Wow Wow – “I Want Candy”
• Elton John – “Crocodile Rock”
• Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – “Crimson and Clover”
• Belle and Sebastian – “Seymour Stein”
• Rush – “Jacob’s Ladder” (Barry is singing the guitar solo when he enters the store for the first time in the movie.)
• Katrina and the Waves – “Walking on Sunshine”
• Liz Phair – “Baby Got Going”
• Brother JT3 – “Little Did I Know” (Musician local to Pennsylvania–couldn’t find much more about him.)
• John Wesley Harding – “I’m Wrong About Everything”
• Ann Peebles – “I Can’t Stand the Rain”
• Bruce Springsteen – “The River”
• Peter Frampton – “Baby I Love Your Way” (Although obviously not performed by Frampton in the movie–it’s performed the Marie DeSalle character.)
• The Vaselines – “Jesus Don’t Want Me for a Sunbeam”
• Smog – “Cold Blooded Old Times”
• Edith Frost – “On Hold”
• Goldie – “Hyena 1”
• Barry White – “I’m Gonna Love You Just a Little Bit More Babe”
• Love – “Always See Your Face”
• Plush – “Soaring and Boring”
• The Chemical Brothers – “Leave Home”
• John Etkin-Bell – “Four to the Floor”
• Toby Bricheno and Jan Cryka – “Loopfest”
• Velvet Underground – “Who Loves the Sun”
• Illinois Jacquet – “Robbin’s Nest”
• Aretha Franklin – “Rock Steady”
• Stiff Little Fingers – “Suspect Device”
• Beta Band – “Dry the Rain”
• Queen – “We Are the Champions”
• Al Green – “I’m Glad You’re Mine”
• Love – “Your Friend and Mine”
• Elvis Costello – “Shipbuilding”
• Bob Dylan – “Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You”
• Grand Funk Railroad – “Get it Together”
• Shelia Nicholls – “Fallen for You”
• Velvet Underground – “Oh! Sweet Nuthin'”
• Harbhajhn Singh – “This India”
• De La Soul – “Tread Water”
• Harry Nilsson – “The Moonbeam Song”
• Eric B. & Rakim – “Juice (Know the Ledge)”
• Apartment 26 – “Doing It Anyway”
• Eric B. & Rakim – “What’s On Your Mind”
• Sy Smith – “Good and Strong”
• Sir Douglas Quintet – “Mendocino”
• Royal Trux – “The Inside Game”
• Paper Lace – “The Night Chicago Died” (In parody form, sung by Barry as “The Night Laura’s Daddy Died.”)
• Dick Walter – “Chapel of Rest”
• Bob Dylan – “Most of the Time”
• Jackie Wilson – “I Get the Sweetest Feeling”
• Stereolab – “Lo Boob Oscillator”
• The Roots – “The Anti-Circle”
• The Kinks – “Everybody’s Gonna Be Happy”
• High Llamas – “Homespun Remix”
• Rupert Gregson-Williams – “Hit the Street”
• Marvin Gaye – “Let’s Get it On”
• Stevie Wonder – “I Believe (When I Fall in Love with You it Will be Forever)”
• Love (written by Burt Bacharach) “My Little Red Book”

Music Referenced in Dialogue (But Not Actually Played in the Movie):

• Carly Simon
• James Taylor
• Carol King
• Cat Stevens
• The Smiths
• Frank Zappa
• Licorice Comfits – “Testament of Youth” / “Pop Girls, Etc.” (Per this article, this is a fake band invented for the dialogue of the movie–which they do a couple times in the movie, so convincingly you might think they’re real. It’s a weird device that is made weirder by how much real music is openly discussed in the movie with some level of authority. And also, in the movie, I’m pretty sure he says “Licorice Confidence.” But whatever.)
• Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels and/or The Righteous Brothers – “Little Latin Lupe Lu”
• Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
• Johnny Cash
• Stevie Wonder – “I Just Called to Say I Love You”
• Deep Purple
• Howlin’ Wolf
• Fleetwood Mac – “Landslide”
• “#4 With A Smile” – (A fake song also invented for the dialogue. I’ve had this argument and I’m right. Google it. There’s not a song called that. I don’t care if you’re sure you’ve seen it on a shelf or heard it. You’re wrong. It’s fake.)
• The Clash – “Janie Jones”
• Kansas – “Point of Know Return”
• Velvet Underground – “White Light/White Heat”
• Massive Attack – “Radiation Ruling the Nation”
• Beatles
• Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony
• Captain Beefheart – “Safe As Milk”
• Supertramp
• Echo and the Bunnymen – “The Killing Moon EP”
• The Jesus and Mary Chain
• Green Day
• Bob Dylan – “Blonde on Blonde”
• Minutemen – “Double Nickels on the Dime” (I’m pretty sure that’s the album. It’s one of the albums stolen from the shop that you see when it’s put on the ground by the thieves. Technically not in dialogue, but important enough to the scene that I’m mentioning it here rather than as a background image.)
• Brian Eno – “Music for [something]” – I’m not sure which of the “Music for” albums it is, as the title is obscured. Same scene. Same reason for listing it here.
• Sigue Sigue Sputnik (Same scene, but actually mentioned.)
• Ryuici Sakamoto (Same scene, but mentioned.)
• Breakbeats (Same scene, mentioned in dialogue. But this might be a fake band or a compilation. I can’t find any info online.)
• Serge Gainsbourg (Same scene, mentioned.)
• Joni Mitchell (Same scene, mentioned.)
• Charlie Rich – “Behind Closed Doors”
• Chrissie Hynde
• Sex Pistols
• David Byrne
• Aretha Franklin
• Wilson Pickett
• Solomon Burke
• Rolling Stones
• Otis Redding
• The Memphis Horns
• Pop Abrams and the Smurfs (Although in real life it’s actually Father Abraham and The Smurfs. Unsure if it was a flubbed line or an intentional reference to Papa Smurf or a weird series of coincidences, but it’s possible that they were actually trying to make up a fake band name.)
• Kraftwerk
• Falco
• David Hasselhoff – (He really did have a singing career and was beloved in Germany. Not everybody knows that in 2020, or in the year 2000 when the movie came out, I bet.)
• The Shangri-Las – “The Leader of the Pack”
• Jan & Dean – “Dead Man’s Curve”
• Ray Peterson – “Tell Laura I Love Her”
• Madness – “One Step Beyond”
• Rolling Stones – “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
• Gordon Lightfoot – “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”
• Jimmy Cliff – “Many Rivers to Cross”
• Gladys Knight – “You’re the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me”
• Art Garfunkel
• Neil Sedaka – “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” (Debatable–but I think it was an intentional reference right at the end of the movie.)

Music Referenced in the Deleted Scenes (But not Played–No music was played in the deleted scenes):

• James Cotton – “My Baby” – (Record label that was focused on. Integral enough I’m counting it here.)
• Roy Orbison – “Only the Lonely” – (Same.)
• Sex Pistols – “God Save the Queen” (Same.)
• Otis Redding
• Flying Burrito Brothers – “Sin City”
• The Damned – “New Rose”
• Funkadelic – “Hit It and Quit It”
• Elvis Costello – “Shipbuilding”
• Elvis Presley – “Mystery Train”
• Sly and the Family Stone – “Spaced Cowboy”
• Blue Cheer – “Summertime Blues”
• Lee Scratch Perry – “The Upsetter”
• Led Zeppelin (I assume) – “Moby Dick”
• Skip Spence
• Minutemen
• Zombies
• David Bowie – “Sound & Vision”
• The Standells – “Dirty Water”
• Patti Smith – “Dancing Barefoot”
• WAR – “Me & My Baby Brother”
• Bill Withers – “Grandma’s Hands”
• Tina Turner

Noticeable in the Background or on T-Shirts/Posters:

• Of Montreal
• Bauhaus
• Pretenders
• Sex Pistols
• The Damned
• Juliana Hatfield
• Solomon Burke
• Miles Davis
• Ladybug Transistor
• Claudia Malibu
• Pavement
• MC5
• Rolling Stones
• Motorhead
• Love & Rockets
• The Falling Wallendas (One of my all time top five band names. They’re local to Chicago if memory serves. I’m unclear on if they’re still together.)
• Urge Overkill
• Yanni
• NOFX

Well that took too long. Thanks for taking too long with me. Next time I’ll write something that someone else might potentially care about reading. 🙂

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Current Listening: I’ve been working my way through the complete Rush discography ever since Neil Peart died.  I did an episode of my podcast all about that on the day it happened. Go listen to that. Neil’s work was very important to me and it still bums me out that he’s gone.