“Just Because I Don’t Care Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Understand” – Homer Simpson

Hi. Remember me? I haven’t written since August 22, and even then it was…let’s say enigmatic.  Sorry.  Not very.  But sorry.

A lot has happened. A lot hasn’t. I can’t really remember where we left off. Let’s write stuff as it comes to mind…

  1. An update on Dad. He eventually got out of the hospital from the issues I wrote about back in July. But more has kept happening. He’s had another smaller-concern hospital stay related to a blood pressure issue. As of the time of writing, he’s still in there, which seems like it’s been two days too many for a simple thing that they identified and just need to figure out how to treat. It’s the kind of thing that if he’d talked to his GP it would’ve been at MOST an outpatient visit. But he went in Monday night and by the time this posts it will be Friday. In general he’s doing much better though. I’m sure he wishes all of this was behind him more than anyone else. UPDATE/EDIT: Dad was released on Friday night. I wrote this on Thursday.
  2. I’ve lost 50 pounds. On purpose. I decided that when I turn 40 (this upcoming May) I didn’t want to be obese anymore. And that’s what I was. I was at a weight/height ratio that qualified as OBESE. Not just fat. So I radically changed my diet, and I’m 50 pounds down from obese.  Now I’m just fat.  But soon I’ll be a healthy weight for my height. I started somewhere north of 240 and I’m presently 187, as of this morning. I can walk up stairs without being winded again and my pants fit–and I can actually find my SIZE of pants in the store now, too. It’s kinda nice.
    And I didn’t exercise. There’s no fucking Fitbit or Dipshit or any of that involved. No gym membership. Not even any running in place. I’ve kept my EXACT SAME routine and just changed diets. Exercise is for BODY BUILDING, not for weight loss. I’m planning on exercising too, once I hit my goal weight…but so many people go to gyms then get upset that they’re not seeing results while still eating cheeseburgers every day–that’s because IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I switched to a largely plant-based diet (though I do still enjoy meat occasionally) and have kept an eye on calories. That’s IT. That’s ALL I did. And there’s no reason you can’t if you want to (unless there’s some weird-ass medical reason).
    Healthy for my height is anywhere between 144-176. When this started I thought, “I’d be happy at 180.” Now that I’m close and can see the results, but also the remaining gut…I’m thinking 165. Shouldn’t be too tough. I was 240+ in July.
  3. I had a surprise trip to the dentist last week when one of my front teeth just cracked in half while I was sitting at my desk at work. I wasn’t eating or anything. Just felt some pressure poked it with my tongue, and the next thing I knew half my tooth was in my hand. So they rushed me in same day and filled it in. I hadn’t been to the dentist since I had the oral surgeries in what I now realize was 2017(!). I forgot that afterward my mouth feels weird for up to two weeks because it’s not used to having a guy’s whole hand in it, moving my lips around. (Well…not on a weekday…) So I’m kinda feeling twitchy in my face this week.  Oh well. At least there’s a tooth where there’s supposed to be one.
  4. I’ve gotten pretty seriously into Bob Dylan in recent weeks.  I’d avoided doing so for years. But he keeps coming up in my life where I expect him the least so I gave in to fate.  I bought the “complete collection” boxed set that came out in 2013.  And a few other things. No collection is ever really “complete,” especially when the artist is still working. It’s been a fun journey. I decided to log it at a different blog, where I go into more detail. It’s here, if you’re interested–I hope you are.
  5. You may also be wondering what the hell happened to my podcast, Empty Checking. Well…the same thing that happened to this blog. Personal shit took the fun out of it, so it kinda went on hiatus. But it’ll be back. I’m toying with an episode right now, and soon enough it’ll be uploaded.
  6. I’ve been reading a lot lately. I’d almost stopped picking up books for a very long time when I started getting migraines. But with those having seemingly largely receded (which I think has been mostly due to GREATLY reducing my caffeine intake), I’ve started reading again.  Here’s what I’ve had my nose in:
    1. “Presto!” by Penn Jillette – This book has been a big help in my weight loss journey and I mostly started it because I just wanted to know more about Penn and how he got so thin. It’s a great read even if you don’t want to lose weight.
    2. “The Unseen World” by Liz Moore – I love Liz Moore. Possibly too much–although I’ve never Googled her interests or photograph, so I feel like it’s not TOO too much… She wrote a book in the early 2000s called “The Words to Every Song” that I bumped into in a Borders bookstore (RIP) and learned that she’d also written a CD called “Backyards,” which I immediately snapped up as well because the book was great. Then I lost track of her for too long and when I looked her up again she’d written two more books with a third on the way.
      I bought both of the ones that are out and I’ve completed this one. It’s beautiful. It’s misleadingly described about being about artificial intelligence, and yes that’s IN the book…but it’s actually the story of a daughter’s relationship with her father who is dying with Alzheimers and has a mysterious past. It’s a story about love, the lies we tell each other, forgiveness, hurt, and a little bit of artificial intelligence right at the end. Highly recommended. Looking forward to reading the other book as well (“Heft”) but haven’t cracked it open yet. She’s got a new one coming out in January that I’m excited about, too. I just wish she’d also do another album…
    3. “Saturday” by Ian McEwan – Abandoned. For the second time. I picked it up when it was new in hardback and tried to get into it but just couldn’t. Decided to try again because I’m a different person than I was in 2005…but I don’t think I even made it as far into the first chapter as I did 14 years ago. I had the feeling that everything I was reading would ultimately have no bearing on the overall plot and was just in there so McEwan could show people how well he could describe a fucking room. Tedious. And I know I’m the only person in the world who’s ever called it that…but damn… Authors, it doesn’t matter how beautifully you write if you never get around to telling your fucking STORY. (That said, I want to give one of his other books a fair shot sometime.)
    4. “The Girl on the Train” by Paula Hawkins – In progress and enjoying it. I’m told there’s a movie of it, too, and I’ll probably watch that after I’ve finished. The book struggles with jumping around in time either too much or not enough to be a good gimmick. You forget that you’re supposed to be paying attention to the dates so you know where you are in the timeline–and that gimmick kinda sucks in print. Especially when the events are only separated by a couple MONTHS instead of years or decades…  (Even if the chapters started with “two months ago” instead of “September 15th” it would be an improvement.) But beyond that, it’s a very good story and I like it. I’d say more, but I don’t feel like I have enough of a handle on it to get into the plot.
    5. “Unfaithful Music” by Elvis Costello – Declan MacManus’ autobiography. (Yes, I know his real name without Googling it.) I’m a big fan of Costello’s and waited way too long to read his book. It’s very good in that every chapter feels like it could’ve started the book and you get lots of cool life-stories from Elvis along the way. It’s not quite linear and reads more like you’re just listening to him answer questions about his life and tell stories. And those stories are very entertaining. Good insight into what was going on in his head during some of the big periods of his career and elsewhere.
    6. I’ve also got Tegan & Sara’s new book, but I’m only a little bit into it. So I don’t know what I think yet. And I’m still unclear on which one is Tegan and which Sara, but it’s like that with twins.
    7. Pending – Pete Townshend’s new novel “The Age of Anxiety” is sitting on my coffee table, waiting until it can have more of my full attention. Also Nicole Krauss’ recent book in sitting quite near to it, right on top of some George Saunders I haven’t quite gotten around to yet…
  7. I’m writing some new music. I’ve got an album’s worth that will be put together for some time in 2020. Should be a good one. A bitter and angry one. But a good one. Details to come on that when more happens.
  8. Seeing Sloan tomorrow night. Canadian rock band that my brother has liked for a long time, but he just got me into a few years ago. They’re really good if you’re unfamiliar. They always put on a good show. Should be fun.

I feel like there’s a more serious post to be written about all the stuff I have been avoiding writing about since posting my depressing little poem in August. (Which has since become a song you can download here.) But it also feels like that’s not anyone’s damned business and I don’t want to write about it.  So…we’ll leave it there.


I first shared this on Facebook yesterday. Didn’t get a ton of reaction but those who cared seemed to care a lot. So I’m posting it here too. In case anyone else cares. Presently untitled. And it’s the closest thing I can come up with to describe things at the moment.

No one can ever be sure.
It seems doubt is all we were made for.
But if doubt hits a drought
there’s no need to shout.
If we’re out, I can always make more.
I’ve doubts in amounts no one can ignore.
But You’ve heard this all before.

I’m tired of losing.
I’m tired of loss,
and all that You’ve taken from me.
You want my prayers?
I want fucking answers.
I want something I can believe.

I’ve tried to hold up my end,
but it feels like I’ve been dragging Yours.
It’s not that I don’t believe in You,
it’s that I can’t carry much more.
The thing about doubt
is you first must have faith.
That’s the only way it works.
I’ve got faith enough to call Your bluff.
Why must everything hurt?
(Live long enough and everything hurts.)

If You test my faith,
expect spit in Your face.
Not every test benefits You.
You want my worship?
I want my life back.
What are You trying to prove?

There are those who say
that the only true way
is to turn to You in prayer.
But I’ve folded my hands ’til they’ve bled
and every word that I’ve said
seemed to vanish into thin air.
They say there’s nothing I can’t say to You
because You always understand.
But who do I turn to when God’s not enough
and I need human hands?
When I reach out, where are YOUR hands?

I know it won’t ever be easy.
You didn’t promise to use a light touch.
The only promise You made
comes after the grave.
And after this, You OWE me that much.
But when I face my end,
can I call You my friend
and trust that You will do the same?
I don’t want to die still wondering
if You ever knew my name.

A Month of Stuff

It’s been a hell of a month. I mean both the “hell” and the “month” literally.

Not all of it has been bad. A LOT of it has been bad. Some of it has been wonderful, though. Tonight, it feels bad. The depression is bad. The coping mechanisms aren’t working. My brain is screaming, my blood feels like it’s on fire. Tonight isn’t wonderful. So I’m writing because it’s been too long. And because I need to write.

For what it’s worth, I know what triggered the depression. It was Sunday night. A simple, innocuous Facebook post by a friend that was just a matter of fact statement of what they’d done that afternoon. Nothing too unusual. Nothing bad. “Just a little pin-prick,” as the song goes. Just a little reminder that someone I care about has a life going on without me, that I wasn’t invited to…and my brain translates that into feeling unloved, unaccepted… Soon it tells me I’m never going to find “the one” or if I have I fucked it up. It reminds me that at my age, having kids isn’t a likely outcome. That my music career is met with a shrug by most of the people who are most important to me. And why ARE they so important? They never call. Why do they never call?

…all because a friend went to a dinner party on a sunny afternoon.  That’s all it takes sometimes to make the feelings I’ve been doing okay keeping under control turn overwhelming. So we blog.

A hell of a month…

On July 13th, I took a late-afternoon shower and when I got out I saw that I’d missed a call from my Dad. Dad had been feeling poorly in recent months. I won’t go into too much detail, but he’s been sluggish and losing a lot of weight. I’ve been worried about him. In what times I find to still pray, I tend to include “please watch over those I love and keep them happy, healthy, and safe.” Since mid-May, I’ve been tagging on, “…with particular attention to my Dad–I don’t like seeing him like this.”  So I texted, saying I saw I missed a call and did he need anything. I got a new call and the voice on the other end wasn’t Dad, it was his significant other of 25 years, Susan.

Spoiler alert: It didn’t turn out to be the case but the thought in my head when I registered her voice was, “Oh, this it when I find out Dad died.” I was sure. Although I’m happy to have been wrong about it.

In reality, Dad had been rushed to the emergency room with a variety of symptoms, some of them gross, and I’m sure he’d prefer I not post the list here. It was serious, but not fatal. After something like 8-9 hours he was finally admitted somewhere around 2 or 3 on that Sunday morning. I went out to see him that day, of course, and Susan brought me up to speed, alongside my brother and sister-in-law. It didn’t sound good.  And when we walked in to see Dad, he didn’t LOOK good. For a couple of days, he was having trouble staying conscious and everything just seemed “off,” if you know what I mean. I remember thinking, “Okay…so WHEN WILL I get the news that Dad died?” It looked and felt BAD.

That Monday, I’d scheduled a day off work in advance. In true “you couldn’t have planned it that way” fashion, I had a ticket to meet one of my all-time biggest idols in Geddy Lee from Rush, who was to be in town signing his book. The Friday before I’d posted that I was looking for someone to go with me and my friend Amanda said she’d like to go–the signing happened to be the day before her birthday. So we made plans and with the blessing of those sitting at the hospital, I went to the signing and kept the plan.  Up until she arrived (she lives about an hour and a half from here) I didn’t tell Amanda about Dad because I knew she was excited about the signing and I didn’t want her to question whether or not she should still come into town for it. WE WERE GOING. I brought her up to speed once we were both standing in the mile-long (no exaggeration) line.

A sidebar about Amanda. I think it’s important to give some context for why this evening at this time meant so much–and I think she’d echo at least most of this… Amanda is one of my longest standing friends. We’ve known each other for 21 years (in a row!) and in all the things that have happened in that time, we’ve managed to remain important to each other. There’s a level of trust and understanding between us that is ineffable. When she’s around, I feel like I’m reunited with a part of myself that I forgot I liked. Amanda is the best. Everybody should have an Amanda. (And no–at least to my knowledge, we’ve never dated. I know how this might sound to some people, but…just…come on, man.)

Amanda and I have had Rush in common for almost the entire duration of our friendship. We met at a church we both were going to and I’m sure this isn’t the first conversation we ever had, but I know it was early on. I remember exactly where I was standing on the church property when Amanda came over to me and said, “So…I hear you like Rush.” And I’d like to think that from that moment on, we’ve been cosmically linked. Her dad is a guitarist and played Rush songs all the time when she was growing up. And it goes deeper than that… When Amanda’s mom was still pregnant, her parents attended a Rush show–so Amanda’s first Rush show was in utero. You can’t deny the awesome of that! I don’t always do everything right, but I was at this signing with the right person.

The signing itself was quick and simple. Not a ton of interaction, but you got to share a few seconds with a God. When I got up to Geddy, I asked if he’d sign, “Take off to the Great White North” in reference to a song he sang on the 1981 Bob & Doug McKenzie album of the same name. He declined, but said, “but I’ll write this” and wrote “Take off, eh!” I was overjoyed. (Google Bob & Doug/SCTV if you need context for that.) All told, it was probably 10 seconds with Geddy. Worth every penny and every hour of waiting. Plus…big-ass book to go with it!

Afterward, Amanda and I got dinner together and talked for a couple hours. We covered a lot of ground and I don’t think I can recall even half of it, but it was the kind of talk you only have with that kind of friend. Then we spent probably another hour(ish) at an arcade nearby. She’s really fucking good at Tekken, by the way. I’ve known that since the 90s…but damn. My ass still hurts from the kicking.

At the end of the night, we said goodbye and had a nice few moments I’ll keep for myself and not write about. (Still not dating–stop it.) And we went our separate ways. It was a perfect evening. I don’t get a lot of those. Amanda took a selfie of the two of us outside of the bookstore where the signing took place that I immediately made my phone background because I knew I’d need to hold on to a happy memory for a while. (It’s still there, by the way.) I know I’m on the borderline of saccharine here, if I haven’t already crossed over…but as cool as it was to meet Geddy Lee, he was the opening act for that evening. Again…everybody should have an Amanda.

I can’t stress enough how important and critical that night was to my sanity in the days that followed. From that point on, the past several weeks have felt like a fever dream. Dad kept getting diagnosed with more and more problems. By the time Amanda and I were saying our goodbyes, the doctors had determined that Dad had suffered a stroke at some point recently. (Unsure exactly when–but it was too recent to explain the months of declining health.) Then on Tuesday–the day after the signing–they performed a brain scan and found that his carotid artery was something like 70% clogged and they rushed him into emergency surgery. My understanding is that if they hadn’t done that, a second life-changing or ending stroke was imminent. I was home and planning on going to work when I heard “carotid artery” and dropped everything to rush to the hospital. I knew that was serious…and again it felt like we might lose Dad.

He made it through that surgery really well. He eventually got moved into rehab for the stroke and has been in one rehab program or another since. Target date to be out of it is the 23rd, from what I understand. Although there are still lingering questions and follow-up visits, and other things to address…it seems like he’s going to be okay. I’m the eternal pessimist…but I think he’s going to be okay, after feeling at least 2-3 times like I was saying goodbye. He did have a quick readmission to the hospital with pneumonia…but that seems to be going okay, too now that they’ve released him again.

In the interim, I’ve been cleaning at Dad’s condo. I don’t know if this will embarrass him or not, but one of the things that came up is that he’s got COPD/emphysema because of his smoking habit. So he CANNOT smoke anymore. And feeling helpless to address anything else, I’ve been spending a ton of time at his condo doing laundry, spraying Febreze, cleaning up, and just doing whatever I can to try to get rid of some of the smoke smell that’s sunk into fabric and wood alike. I want to make it easy for him and getting rid of the smell should help a lot. But at this point, I guess he’s been more than a month without a cigarette. So it should be out of his system. And he only got very grumpy a few times. So for two or three weeks my routine was work, hospital, condo, home, sleep, repeat…

And somewhere in there I also got sick. Actually it was right around when Dad got pneumonia. I wonder if we both caught something from the same source and it turned into pneumonia for him. I’ve still got a bit of a cough two weeks later. That hasn’t helped anything.

Things started to feel not-quite-normal, but close within the last week or so. Then this week, as I described above, the depression hit pretty hard. And then today–or I guess yesterday now, since it’s after 3 a.m.–I got word that someone I knew passed away. This after spending the past 24 hours begging God, “Can I please just get some reassurance that things are going to work out? Can I please just get some comfort?” …instead, my friend Mike let me know that Rick had died. So…a few words about Rick.

Rick was a manager at the comic book shop I used to frequent, near my house. I know. That’s a tertiary friendship…okay…but Rick was something special. He was…kind. That’s such a weak word for it. But it’s the word that comes to mind for him.  Someone else on Facebook wrote, “he had one of the most sincere ‘good to see ya’s’ I’ve ever heard in my life.” And that’s about right. He got to KNOW the people who came into the store. First and last name, interests outside of comics, interests IN comics (of course). He made TIME for people in a way a lot of us just don’t think to do.

I remember one day I walked into the store and Rick was right there, waiting specifically for me. “You’re going to love this. If you don’t, bring it back and I’ll refund you.” And he handed me issue #1 of Morning Glories, which almost immediately became my favorite title in the years where I was buying issues. And he got me into the Brubaker run on Captain America (which all you Marvel Universe fans owe a debt of gratitude). And he recommended this and that over time…  And he is to some degree responsible for the last time I seriously smoked. No, seriously.

One day, I was in the comic shop and there were some playing cards that were in a box shaped like a cigarette pack. I picked one up and said, “Wow…these make me want to start smoking again.” Without missing a beat, Rick piped up, “Then smoke.”  “Pardon?”  “If you want to smoke, then smoke. You’re a grown man and can make your own decisions. Be happy.” And he’d never led me astray before…so…….

The last time I saw Rick, he didn’t know I saw him. It was three weeks ago. I was in a grocery store and he was walking down one of the aisles, pushing a cart. And it had been a couple of years. My hair is different (and lesser–ahem) and I’m a little chubbier…  “He probably wouldn’t remember me…it’d be weird to say hello…” And I paid and left. Even in the parking lot, I was thinking to myself, “That was dumb–what’s the worst that could’ve happened?” And I figured if I saw him again, I’d say hello. Then tonight, my friend Mike–another really great guy–filled me in that Rick had suddenly passed away.

You should always say hello.

I don’t mind telling you that when the words I read from Mike tonight sunk in, I cried. Not deep sobs. Someone could’ve been five-feet away and missed it. But there were some deep breaths and tears. There are now, too. I JUST SAW HIM. And I didn’t stop… Rick would have remembered me. He would have.

And now it’s creeping up on 4 a.m., having proof-read and probably still missed things I should correct… I have work in the morning. Or I guess just later today at this point. And I can’t sleep. I didn’t sleep much last night either. Lately everything has felt so weighty. So uphill. And I’m tired. But I can’t sleep. I feel…lonely.

It will probably pass. Most things seem to. Some of them take a piece of you with them when they go though. You’ve just got to hope it isn’t one of the important ones. But I’m better equipped for these feelings than I might’ve been a year ago. I have mantras, breathing exercises, good habits to practice, a nice wallpaper on my phone, and so on.

I’m bad at ending things that I write. It feels like “You should always say hello” would’ve been the logical, climactic place to stop. Right? That was probably the one. Ah well. Thanks for staying with me on this one. It felt good to get some of it out.

Now…perchance to dream…

Several Reasonably Long Stories

It has been forever since I’ve written anything here. It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve done anything even close to this with the podcast also having been on a bit of a hiatus. (More on that shortly.) There are a lot of reasons for that. Mostly I’ve just been exhausted lately, and doing something productive (even if it’s fun) after working all day hasn’t been my top priority. Mostly I’ve been getting home, sitting down, maybe playing a video game (presently re-obsessed with Stardew Valley) and just sort of killing time until I go to bed. Those are my work days, lately.

…but there is other stuff going on too, so let’s talk about those things point by point. I promise there are paragraph breaks in many of these points–sometimes they don’t display very well on this blog. Also the spell-checking on this blog seems to have stopped working. Sorry if my word-making isn’t nice.

  1. It’s my 39th birthday, as I write this. I don’t have a lot of thoughts about that. My family and I got together the previous weekend for dinner and gifts and whatnot, and it was nice. Enjoyed a good steak for the first time in a long time. Today is pretty much just a Wednesday with a slightly more active Facebook wall–midweek birthdays are like that. But I have been finding small ways to mark it, just for myself. Next year, I’ll be 40. I don’t expect it to be much different than this year in terms of celebration.
  2. One of the things that was related to my birthday though was that my Dad got me a ticket to go see The Who on the 23rd. We’d have gone regardless, but the ticket was a birthday gift, since it was so close to the 29th. I’d written in the past about what I assumed would be the LAST time I saw The Who. Turned out to be wrong about that. I’m glad I was.
    This time they played an outdoor venue in Hollywood Casino Amphitheater (or “Whatever They Call Riverport Now,” as it’s known locally). I don’t love outdoor shows, but The Who is one of the bands I’ll follow where-ever they play, so it was fine. They had a symphony with them, and while I first thought that could go either way, the band themselves remained bombastic, animated, and dangerous, so the extra orchestration just made it all BIGGER in the best way.
    My favorite thing about The Who is that every time they play, there’s a chance it might all go horribly wrong. When you factor in 30ish extra musicians, those odds skyrocket.  So when it goes right–as it very much DID–it’s a wonderful treat. Sure, Townshend’s voice was blown out and the new kid on bass wasn’t loud enough in the mix on The Real Me…but in general, the symphonic arrangements were incredible and the show was a blast. Dad, Dave (my brother), and I all first saw The Who together in 1989–30 years ago!–and it was great that we all got to do it again.

    We made several attempts at taking a selfie. This is the one where we were all–y’know–visible.
  3. Right…so about the podcast.  I’ve taken several weeks off from it. That’s partly because I had a minor sound problem that required a major disassembly of the area in which I record. It’s been a hassle to get everything back in place and combining that with the aforementioned coming-home-and-crashing I described above, I’ve been getting very little done on the show.
    I’ve not really meant to step away from it, and I do plan on getting back to it shortly. I want to talk about the Who show and new music from the Cranberries and Amanda Palmer and The National and having seen Patton Oswalt last month and so on. I just haven’t. I’ve been feeling very tired and have had some nagging back/shoulder pain as I’ve described countless times that also just makes sitting in a chair talking about nothing sound uncomfortable as well. And the show slipped away from me, with all those issues combined.  Maybe when I start back up (this week?) I’ll call it “season two” or something.
  4. I’ve also been rehearsing to play an acoustic set with Mike Feldman in June. It’ll be a small gig without even so much as an amplifier. It’s doubtful that anyone will even hear the lyrics or distinguish one song from another. And ultimately it could also be cancelled for bad weather if it’s raining, since it’ll be an outdoor gig.  So of course we’re working very hard on getting up to speed for it.  (I’ve also got some mental gymnastics to do… The only thing I find more uncomfortable that attending an outdoor concert is playing one myself–I’m a sweaty guy.)  But ultimately, if the place wants us to sit there and essentially play to one another for money, that’s cool.  I hear it’s a nice place, at least.  Haven’t been there.  Don’t actually even remember the name of the place right now.
    I like playing acoustic sets most of the time–although knowing this one won’t have any amplification gives me some pause. If nothing else, it’ll be fun to dust off whichever acoustic I take with me for it.  (Thinking maybe even the 12-string!)  Mike also has me scheduled for two more dates playing bass with him this summer in the same bar we always seem to play…but the acoustic show should be a nice change of pace, even if subdued.
  5. Otherwise, musically I’ve not got a ton going on. The two albums I put out last year (“It Could Be Worse” and “*”) were pretty much what I wanted to accomplish for a while. I’ve got some other stuff sort of half-written, but nothing even demoed as of now. Sort of taking whatever my next project will be slowly. I don’t have anything solid in mind for it yet. But at the same time, if you’d told me in May of last year that I’d be doing a new album for release in that same November I’d have doubted it. So who knows what I’ll do?  I don’t PLAN to release so much as a single in 2019 though.
  6. I recently marked my 10th year at my day job. I don’t like to talk about work on the blog or social media–it just seems to me that when you put details or things about your job in writing on the Internet, you’re asking for problems. However, I am comfortable saying that even though it’s not always sunshine and roses, it’s been a great and productive 10 years and I’ve made some good friendships. And that’s what counts, even on the days where the only thing that keeps you sitting at a desk is the thought that “the lights need to stay on.” (And I’m also glad to report that I don’t have those days very often.)  🙂 It’s a challenging and fulfilling job, but more importantly I work with good people I enjoy seeing every day. I don’t take that for granted. Most people don’t get to feel that way.

    10 years
    This is sitting on my desk now. It’s on a lighted base and looks neat. 🙂 Sorry the photo’s a little small. The only other option was enormous. The blog’s photo settings are dumb.
  7. One of my cousins has a wedding coming up this weekend. On Sunday at like 4:30. Weird day and time for a wedding, right? But as long as everyone’s happy the time doesn’t matter, does it? So, I’ll be spending Sunday in a suit, looking for who among my Baptist cousins at the Baptist wedding secretly has a flask of whiskey and asking them if they can pour a little in my Coke. (That’s how I’LL be happy.) It’ll be fine.
  8. I found out on Monday that I’ve been on and off flirting with a lesbian for a while. Whoops. I don’t want to say too much and identify her, but the concise version is she’s someone I (obviously) don’t know very well but see occasionally. We have similar taste in music and she’s fun to talk to and on most occasions I’ve gone a bit out of my way to be charming in a way that were she straight probably would’ve read as flirting much more clearly. However, as it was, this week we bumped into one another and she asked me if I’m going to the Amanda Palmer show tomorrow night. I said I wasn’t really planning to, but could be talked into it.  Her reply was, “Oh, well me and MY GIRLFRIEND (emphasis mine) are going and I thought if you were going to be there maybe we could all hang out.”
    Well…shit.  Whatever. It happens–of course I can’t exactly be MAD about it. And it’s still very nice that she was thinking it’d be fun to hang out. And I’m sure sometime soon we WILL because I still think she’s a cool person and I’m an ally to the LGBTQ community, of course. (…and maybe if we hang out more often I can make friends with other lesbians until I have a loyal army of lesbians at my disposal!) Mostly I just felt dumb about it. Thankfully she (I assume) has no idea, and I think even if she did, she’d think it was funny/flattering.  Still not planning on going to the Amanda Palmer show though. I like Amanda Palmer, but she’s a lunatic and is promoting a very sad album that I don’t think will make for a fun club show–even though it’s one of the better albums I’ve heard this year.
    Also, this whole situation resulted in one of my favorite Twitter interactions I’ve had lately.  I briefly tweeted something about it and somebody sent me a direct message that said, “Happy Birthday!” then 10 minutes later, “And sorry about the lesbian.” What a great series of messages to get! I wish they made greeting cards that on the front said “Happy Birthday!” and on the inside said “And sorry about the lesbian.”  🙂

    And I think that’ll do it…there are several reasonably long stories there. I was going to write more and it was going to get political and stuff…but this seems fine.

    Happy birthday to me and also to you.

    Current Listening:
    The Who, still…obviously
    The National – “I Am Easy to Find”
    The Get Up Kids – “Problems”

“The telephone is so impersonal. I much prefer the hands-on touch you can only get with hired goons.” – Charles Montgomery Burns

Well I said I was going to write before Valentine’s Day and y’all probably knew that was bullshit. Sorry. I really thought I would. So here we are, Simpsons quote in the header, and let’s go…

  1. I said something on the most recent episode of my podcast that I want to write about as well. I don’t feel like it’s too big a deal, but there are people in my life who might think otherwise, so I want to get the word out there a little bit so anyone who has concerns has the opportunity to voice them.  As I’ve covered elsewhere, I recently spoke with a counselor about some stuff and among the topics discussed was why I’ve chosen not to drink in recent years. The long and short of it is, I’m not an alcoholic and it boils down to me just needing to not use alcohol as a crutch. If I can enjoy it responsibly, it’s not an issue.
    Which brings me to this…I don’t plan to go whole hog into drinking again, but I do want to have a Guinness with my dad on St. Patrick’s Day, and probably one at the Flogging Molly concert that precedes it the weekend before. So I’m going to do that, because I miss Guinness and it sounds nice. And that’s it. I’m not going to get drunk. I’m not going to go nuts. I’m just going to have a beer on some occasions where it feels appropriate.  One.  One beer.  I’ve developed the discipline to not drink at all playing in bars and/or to have one and only one O’Douls non-alcoholic beer when I’ve got it around the house. I think I can have one drink and stop if I’m hanging out at a bar.
    Feel free to hold me accountable to that if we’re out together. Or feel free to ask me questions if you need to. Again, this isn’t a big deal to me. I just feel like it’s easier to talk about it openly before someone “catches me” in a bar with a Guinness in hand, y’know? Okay. Let’s move on.
  2. I found out recently that Bruce Springsteen released the show I saw in St. Louis in 2008 as a download/semi-bootleg on his website. I briefly talked about that show at this link. Damn, I’ve been doing this a long time. I ordered a CD copy and also got the download. The download is neat, but it’s got that horrible thing where there’s a little blip of silence almost link the track skipped between tracks and you’ve just got to live with it…so the download is unlistenable. I’m waiting on the CD for the first listen. It should be here Monday. I like The Boss a lot. He’s in “guilty pleasure” territory, for sure…but he’s delivered great rock songs for–what?–30 years? 40? A long clip…I’m watching the “Springsteen on Broadway” Netflix release while I’m writing this. Good stuff.
  3. Peter Tork died recently. It made me sadder than I might’ve expected. Peter was my favorite Monkee. My brother, our mutual friend Chris, and I saw him several years ago. It was fun.
    During the show I remember watching a couple that was well into the Autumn years badly dancing together, having the time of their lives, and thinking, “Those two? They WON. They don’t need to care that they can’t dance or what anyone thinks about it. They have each other, they both dance like shit, and when they leave, they’ll leave together and say, ‘remember when we saw Peter Tork and had so much fun?’ and they fucking WON.” I voiced it at the time. Chris chugged his beer.
    Piano legend Johnnie Johnson accompanied Tork for a bit that night. We met Johnnie in the parking lot after the show. Johnnie passed away several years ago, too.
    I don’t know. Peter Tork seemed to have had a really fun career and smiled his way through it with that priceless, boyish grin. He was part of bringing the world some music that makes everybody with ears happy. That’s awesome. God bless him.
  4. The Oscars were last week.  I didn’t see any of the movies. Nevertheless, I’ve been a fan of Olivia Coleman since her Mitchell & Webb days. So it was a pleasure to see her win. That, my friends, was Numberwang. (Google it.)
  5. Oh! Speaking of Springsteen, I bought a Telecaster! It looks like this:
    I’m frustrated that I look cross-eyed in this photo thanks to the reflection in my glasses.

    Very traditional. Very classic. I’ve wanted a traditional, good looking, American Tele for a while. Finally made the plunge.  I’ve been playing a cool Mexican one that I got from my friend Mike Feldman for a few years. But that one’s been heavily modded to be more like a Strat with some extra weird stuff on it. And while I like it, I wanted just a plain-Jane, workhorse Tele for a long time. Apparently the time was now.  It sounds great. It feels great. It’s just great. (Springsteen plays a Tele, in case you’re still trying to figure that out.)

  6. I’m rewatching LOST. It’s still a really great show. You should rewatch it too. Then I can yell at you about how you’ve probably misunderstood the ending. (Although if you actually watch ALL of it, that shouldn’t really be possible…)
  7. On the page of notes where I jotted down “Stuff I should blog about” I have written the word “wrestling,” but I’m not sure in what capacity I wanted to talk about it.  There’s a lot going on, but I don’t know why I specifically wanted to talk about it when I wrote it down. I guess foremost, it’s nice that Roman Reigns announced that he’s in remission from Leukemia.  Good for him.  But otherwise…I’m still watching and having fun, I guess.  Raw was better this week than it’s been in a long time.

And I think that’s it.  Had a rough week and I’ve just been decompressing all day. Cooked a bit. Watched some stuff. So on…


Current Listening:

  • Springsteen on Broadway
  • Joe Jackson – Fool
  • Dream Theater – Distance Over Time