It’s 2 in the morning as I’m starting to write this post, and I’m sure it’ll be coming up on 3 by the time it’s finished. I can’t sleep. You might’ve guessed that much.
I’ve been doing some math. As I wrote in my previous post I’ve just come into possession of a new (to me) car. And I’ve been having trouble selling the old one. You know how I said I was “presently” asking $4000? I’m getting about $800 from a salvage buyer. Because life is shit and you shouldn’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. So that’s the first bit of math that sucks…but it gets worse… (And no, I’m not talking about having sunk $1835 into the car two weeks before deciding to sell it at a MAJOR loss…that’s lumped into this same issue.)
I had some bills increase. By substantial amounts in at least one case. And now I’ve got a car payment on top of that. The long and short of it is that if I buy the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of groceries in a month and don’t do a goddamned thing other than go to work, I’ll have approximately $200/month left over after paying my bills. Maybe. In a GOOD month.
My life is changing for the worse and there’s no way out of it. I can accept that…but that doesn’t mean I know how to plan for it.
At bare minimum, I need a second job. Or a better-paying primary job. If anyone has any leads on either, I’m listening. I’ve been a music minister, a librarian, and an insurance rep–those are the only three jobs I’ve ever had in my life. My college degree is essentially from a Christian tech-school and isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on…that’s a mistake I made as a teenager that I’ve still got $5,228.59 left in loans to pay off… They don’t do a very good job of explaining how that’s going to cripple you when you sign up for college–if they did, no one would go. (If my student loan debt alone went away I could at least breathe a little…but that’s still at least 2 years away if I keep paying the minimum…probably more like 3, considering interest…)
Additionally, my back is pretty much shot and I can’t afford the deductible to go see a doctor to even start thinking about maybe getting it fixed… So I can’t do jobs that require a lot of physical labor… But if you’ll hire me to do something I’d sure appreciate it… I’m good with computers and filing and stuff like that. I work well at a desk. Data entry is one of my strong-suits. (I don’t even need to understand what I’m entering, I just need to know how you want it entered.) Or if you need a regular sound engineer for something…that’s something I do, too.
I like my current job. I don’t want to leave it or anything like that… But I can’t live like this…if I have one even MINOR medical issue, I’m penniless. I know that most people in America are in that same position, don’t get me wrong…but this is scary. It’s bad. Because my car broke down once too often. And to another extent because over the years I’ve made too many purchases on a credit card in the good faith that one day I’d make grown-up money and that hasn’t fucking happened. I see all the mistakes of my life absolutely clearly now…and it boils down to “I fucked up and went to Bible College, then fucked up more by living like I didn’t.”
Y’know, friends of mine talk about “not making a lot” and then drop $50-60K into the conversation like I’m supposed to gasp at their pittance… I don’t make anywhere NEAR that. Those would be absolutely life-changing numbers to me… And I need to find a way to start getting closer to them. A second job seems the easiest path, since…well since all the above shit is wrong with my life resulting in me not being qualified for anything.
I’m deciding which guitars to sell, too. Some will almost definitely have to go. If there’s one you want to bid on, let me know. I’m not kidding. I can’t afford to keep releasing music with them anyway. Only a couple are off limits.
I’m also done going to record stores. Or buying movies. Or books. Or anything. I can’t afford anything. Don’t invite me to do anything, please. I’m weak and I’ll go with you, and it will mean I can’t eat for a couple days. Don’t ask me to do stuff. I can’t even buy the gas to meet you to at your place so you can drive to the thing I can’t afford to do. If you love me, leave me out of your plans. Please. (I’m feeling nostalgic for everything in the country being completely shut down right now.)
There are unquestionably months where I’m going to be in the red. Family members will keep having birthdays. And Christmas will still take place. And I’ll just have to hope that when I go to those parties food is provided and I can sneak some home in my coat, I guess…
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve never been in this position before. I’m very, very scared and I don’t know if I’m going to get through this. It’s bad. It’s very, very bad. I need to be making $200-500/month more than I am to even see a light at the end of the tunnel. People seem to think it’s a joke when I say I view getting a new car as a negative…but it’s not a joke. This has ruined me. I’ve never felt this helpless. Never. Even if the car-stuff hadn’t happened, the increased bills would’ve meant some serious cutbacks…but now? I don’t have the same life I did three weeks ago anymore and I don’t see any way to get it back.
So that’s why I’m up.