Rest Well, Becca

This weekend, a friend died in a horrible, shocking accident that I won’t describe in print–and I’d prefer not to go into more detail than necessary verbally so I don’t have to keep thinking of her that way.  She was pronounced dead at 12:08 this morning.  I miss her very much.

Becca loved people.  She didn’t always trust them, and she had good reasons not to…but if you were Becca’s friend, she was all-in.  She loved people often to the point of her own detriment.  She loved her mom and her kids more than anyone else.  They loved her back.  So many people loved her back.  I think Becca’s personality type didn’t allow her to see how many people loved her back.  (I get that.  Becca said to me often, “I think we’re really similar people in a lot of ways.”  That’s one of the ways.  I’m glad that she saw some of herself in me–that means there’s something there worth seeing.)  I hope she gets to look at her Facebook wall from the other side.  She loved people and would be overwhelmed to see the outpouring of love and sadness coming out of her death.  She wouldn’t believe it.

Becca loved people she didn’t have any reason to love, too.  She loved her community.  In the aftermath of Ferguson, I don’t know anyone who’s worked harder in the clean-up efforts or was so consumed by what she believed was the right way for things to play out.  And she didn’t do it to take selfies, and she didn’t do it to further her twitter presence, like so many others.  She did it because she didn’t think good people should have to get hurt by bad people.  She’d seen enough of that in her life.

It would be a lie to say that Becca didn’t have demons.  She had a LOT of demons.  And so do you.  And so do I.  We’re all counting on grace.  I think she’s receiving it now.  She already did her time in Hell.  She struggled.  She stumbled.  She was absolutely flawed and fallen as a human being.  And so are you.  And so am I.  Any God who wouldn’t let Becca into Heaven despite her struggles is no God at all.  She can count on grace.

I want to say so much about how much unconditional love Lorraine and Allen poured into Becca’s life.  I want to say so much about how lucky her kids were to have her and how grateful I am that they’re young enough that they could play while the grown-ups cried.  I want to say so much about how hard she tried to get her life right…that her successes meant SO much more than her failures…

I have thousands of words.  I deal in words.  I live and die by words.  I’ve written tens-of-thousands of words, and some of them even rhyme…

And I don’t have the words.

I will never forget Becca or what she meant in my life.  I am honored that she trusted me enough to talk about things and knew I wouldn’t judge her for anything she said.  I’m grateful that her kids know who I am and her daughter always runs up to hug me–she gets that heart full of love from her mom.  My heart both aches and soars knowing that one of my songs made her cry when she heard it for the first time…that her wonderful heart had space to empathize with me in it…

I’m grateful that Becca was and is my friend.  I am furious that she is gone.