In Which I Commit Several Blashpemes and Heresies…

The Bible is a long and difficult read.  Even though it contains lots of sex and violence and crazy-assed miracles.  As a public service (not really) I now present short summaries of each book, for those of you too lazy to look elsewhere.  Please do not take this to heart or base your faith on it.  Doing so WILL send you to Hell.  I mean sure, you’ll meet a lot of cool musicians and artists there…but the daily pitch-forkings probably aren’t worth hanging out with those guys.

Anyway…here you go…

THE OLD TESTAMENT (According to Derek)

  • Genesis – God made everything.
  • Exodus – God knocks the Jews around a little and makes fun of Moses’ stutter.
  • Leviticus – Now that that’s over, here are some rules for your church, Jews.
  • Numbers – Mainly a bunch of lists about wars.
  • Deuteronomy – Here are some better rules for your church, Jews, with 10 you should REALLY over-analyze.
  • Joshua – If you pray really hard, things fall down.
  • Judges – Just vote for the one with the Irish last name.
  • Ruth – Try to marry upwardly, ladies.
  • 1 Samuel – The story of Saul being a dick.
  • 2 Samuel – The story of David being less of a dick than Saul.
  • 1 Kings – The temple is built from an insane and expensive blueprint.
  • 2 Kings – No seriously, that thing was so badly constructed that prophets went elsewhere to talk about future-stuff.
  • 1 Chronicles – A long list of names who would be background characters in a movie and also the King David tribute show.
  • 2 Chronicles – It’s basically 2 Kings, from the Southern perspective–so Kings, but with grits.
  • Ezra – A book a band would later be Better Than.
  • Nehemiah – Prayer knocks down walls, people build them back up.
  • Esther – For some reason named after your grandma’s best friend, it’s basically Biblical Desperate Housewives.
  • Job – God lets Satan do horrible things to people sometimes for reasons that are unclear–and also dinosaurs!
  • Psalms – An early draft of the hymnal your church still uses.
  • Proverbs – Everything is one way and then it’s another, and everyone is bad.
  • Ecclesiastes – Solomon’s weird letter that inspired Pete Seeger to write a song that went on to be a hit for the Byrds.
  • Song of Solomon – Rated NC-17 for strong sexual content.
  • Isaiah – Try to stay faithful, even though the rest of the world isn’t–especially Judah, those guys suck.
  • Jeremiah – Probably the name of the son of someone you went to college with, even though I’m pretty sure the name translates to “crybaby.”
  • Lamentations – Man…it sucks that the temple was so badly built, even though we worked really hard on it.
  • Ezekiel – Called them “dry bones!”
  • Daniel – A guy in a magic coat fights lions with his dreams.
  • Hosea – And God said, “Hosea! Do me a favor and yell this down the hallway with all the closed doors. Doesn’t matter if they hear you. I just like hearing you talk. You talk real purdy.”
  • Joel – Crap…locusts…anybody got a can of Raid?
  • Amos – God’s hates money, or something…I kinda tuned out.
  • Obadiah – Oh you’ve never heard of Edom? Well that’s probably because I was right about it falling!
  • Jonah – I think this is the one where the kid’s made of wood and his nose grows every time he hates the Ninevites.
  • Micah – You guys suck. Why do you suck so much? Stop sucking already.
  • Nahum – Oh… THAT Nineveh. Really could’ve used that information back in the Book of Jonah.
  • Habakkuk – God talks to a guy because He was relatively sure the guy was choking. Turns out the guy was just pronouncing his own name.
  • Zephaniah – Basically it just seems like someone sloppily slammed a bunch of finger-shakes into a few pages, then flipped you off and told you to try being nicer and happier.
  • Haggai – Seriously guys, we’ve gotta build a new temple—a BETTER temple. With lazers!
  • Zechariah – Basically filler that points toward Jesus.
  • Malachi – A book supposedly written by a guy we know nothing about and who may or may not have accidentally started the Mormon church…but he said nice things about Jesus…so…I don’t know…print it.

THE NEW TESTAMENT (According to Derek) — Now we’re REALLY going to hell…

  • Matthew – Matthew’s version of the things that happened to Jesus.
  • Mark – Mark’s version of the things that happened to Jesus, presumably because Matthew could not be trusted.
  • Luke – Luke’s a doctor, we can CERTAINLY trust his version of the things that happened to Jesus, right?
  • John – Also writes about the stuff that happened to Jesus, and this one must be right because it has John 3:16 in it.
  • Acts – Things the church did because of Jesus.
  • Romans – Paul basically bitches you out for being human.
  • 1 Corinthians – The church is a horrible, immoral, sexy, sexy place. – Also, here are a few verses to take out of context at your wedding.
  • 2 Corinthians – Seriously, the church is really screwed up and sexy!
  • Galatians – Lay off the Gentiles. Be cool.
  • Ephesians – Jesus is your bro–don’t leave him hanging.
  • Philippians – This is Paul, and I’m in jail, yo…don’t screw it up while I’m gone.
  • Colossians – Don’t be a dick.
  • 1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming back, so–y’know–don’t worry about that…
  • 2 Thessalonians – Sorry about those punks all up in yo’ grill. Keep on trucking.
  • 1 Timothy – Hey Tim. Here’s a list of a bunch of things old people will hold against you in your first youth ministry.
  • 2 Timothy – Be like a soldier–take a jog then mind a farm.
  • Titus – Look…get it together over there, will you?  Does anyone there know what they’re doing?  Promote them.
  • Philemon – Dude, Phil…really? I mean, I let the Confederate Flag thing slide…but you can’t just own a dude.
  • Hebrews – There’s a lot of history in this book, and you really should read Chronicles and Kings and whatnot before attempting it.  So…good luck.
  • James – Things are going to suck pretty hard, so trust in Jesus–and try to look like it, by the way.
  • 1 Peter – Jim was right–things ARE going to suck pretty hard. But Jesus got freaking CRUCIFIED…so if you’re going to suffer, at least don’t whine about it any more than he did.
  • 2 Peter – There are a lot of liars out there, but Jesus is pretty awesome, right?
  • 1 John – Love one another.
  • 2 John – Love others.
  • 3 John – No fatties.
  • Jude – Don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better.
  • Revelation – Turns out the devil did it.  Kinda saw it coming.

So there you go.


Current Listening:

  • Rush – Clockwork Angels — Short review: I love it.  I popped it in and it started with the two tracks I’d already heard.  Then it churned through another ten and for the most part I was thinking, “It’s not BAD, but I’m not sure it grips me.”  Then I listened again.  Then again.  Then again…  And pretty much it’s been in my CD player all week.  It’s great…but I had to absorb it.  Long-time fans should be happy, and newer fans have a good one to be excited about.  Standout tracks: Caravan, BU2B (Brought Up to Believe), The Wreckers, Headlong Flight, Wish Them Well…and the other 7.  Wish it were a little bit less lyrically abrasive against religion—but I’ve come to expect that from Mr. Peart.  The music makes up for the messages I disagree with.

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