As promised…here are the stages of drinking, as described in the names of the Seven Dwarfs. Just doing my part to ruin a beloved childhood story. Enjoy!
- Sneezy – You have a cold, and you think a couple glasses of whisky might open up your sinuses a little. So you drink.
- Bashful – Your first drink or two. You are just settling in. You make some polite conversation. You’re not quite buzzed enough to be charming yet…but your cold feels better.
- Happy – You start feeling good, round-about drink #3. You’re laughing and telling jokes. People like you. They think of you as “That Funny Guy.” Odds are you’ve seen their favorite movie–or lied and said you did.
- Dopey – You’re still happy…but a little TOO happy. You’re now laughing at things that aren’t funny. Your friend Scott just told everyone he’s getting divorced and you laughed and said, “Me so sorry!” in an insulting Asian accent—even though your (male) friend Kim is standing right there. You walk to the bathroom in a zig-zag and come back telling the table you met a really nice guy/girl (you can’t recall…there *might* have been a beard) in line, who had the “genius” idea to use the other gender’s restroom instead of waiting in line, and thus is your hero. People now think of you as “That Guy Who Drinks Maker’s Mark.” You’ve definitely seen their favorite movie and you’re insisting that it would’ve been better if Levar Burton had directed it.
- Grumpy – You’re now pissed about the movie. You’re screaming, “YOU’RE INSANE!” every time someone questions your love of the Neil Diamond song that came on the jukebox–and it’s three songs later. You spend about a half-hour stewing…silently. Last Call is announced.
- Sleepy – You’re in the car. The lights passing by make you feel “weird.” You are pretty sure you’re not going to take your pants off before going to bed. You’re starting to feel bad about things that happened in high school. Your friends said, “Be careful” as you walked to your car. You gave them the finger over your shoulder…you’re reasonably sure it’s because of the Levar Burton thing…and you think, “I should find a Best Buy that’s open past midnight and buy ‘Roots’ on Blu-Ray.”
- Doc – You wake up (in your pants) in the bathtub, with no water in it. You vaguely remember thinking, “I should sleep here incase I have to throw up…and the porcelain will feel nice and cool.” You have trouble standing. Your back hurts. Lights are still blurry, but in a much worse way. You have the “Reading Rainbow” song in your head, but you’re not sure why. You manage to stand, turn, throw up…and you think (1) “I’ll have to call in sick” and (2) “I should call my DOCtor. This CAN’T be normal.”
…and there you go. I’ve just ruined Snow White.
…and if I didn’t…just know that somewhere, somehow, for some reason, someone probably made it into a porno with midgets.