An Apology

I feel morally obligated to say something, because I’ve been carrying it around for a little while and it’s starting to take its toll on other parts of my life, both personal and professional. I’m not going to give any details, name any names, or say anything about the situation other than to say the following. The party involved will know who they are, I think.

 

Recently, I said something unkind that hurt the feelings of someone whose respect I value and who I would like to consider a friend. I was wrong to do so. I know that person stops by my blog occasionally and I hope they will see this message and know I’m speaking of them, even though it’s probably puzzling to everyone else. Assuming that’s happened, I just want to say on my blog what I’ve already said elsewhere…that I apologize. I was wrong. I was a jerk. I was anything but Christian to you and I hope that seeing it in black-and-white and in public goes some way in communicating to you my deep revulsion at my own actions. I feel bad enough about it that I want every friend, family member, and stranger who may come across this blog to see this post and know that I did wrong by you and I admit it, whatever that makes them think of me. In words written by a greater man than I, “I have sinned before God and before you.” You deserved better treatment, I was completely in the wrong, and I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me, though I know it is undeserved.

 

Thanks to everyone else for puttng up with me saying that. Please continue Internetting as usual, with my regards. I’ll try to get back to the funny tomorrow. Please understand that I have disabled comments to this post and do not wish to further discuss it with anyone but the party involved, who has my contact info. and is more than encouraged to use it.

RIP Old (Format) Friend

(I know I said I’d be taking it easy on the blogging this week, but I started riffing on this earlier and it got long enough to post…so here you are.)

 

I know I kind of wrote about this a couple of weeks ago, but this won’t be the first time I’ve tread on old ground on this blog…so let’s go…

 

The death of the VCR makes me sad.  I like DVDs and I think I’ll eventually warm up to Blu-Ray…but seriously, I’ve got boxes and boxes of VHS tapes just waiting to be taken behind the barn and shot like Bessie (who I’m assuming is a cow or dog…not someone’s grandma…that’d just be wrong).  I’ve seen some fairly reputable sources saying that the VHS player/format will probably be virtually unavailable by the end of this year, or 2010 at the latest…so what am I supposed to do with all these things?

 

Okay…so I could probably buy a few of the movies or TV shows from my archives on DVD/Blu-Ray.  No problem there…but I also have home-made stuff.  I’ve got stuff I recorded off TV that will NEVER hit DVD.  I’ve got old gigs from bands I was in that are long since dead…  And I don’t even want to THINK about how much stuff there is at my office that needs to in some way be preserved!  (Seriously, we’ve got some really cool old sermons and whatnot that we can’t just throw out…)  I guess my only choice is to invest in one of those things that records VHS to DVD.  (I know…they’re called DVRs.  But I mean one of those single units that does it without a bunch of wires and whatnot.)  I think we can put that off at the office for a while, but I have so much stuff at home, I probably should’ve started about two years ago!  🙂

 

I’ll be the first to tout the advantages of not having to rewind and fast forward anymore…but there’s a lot about VHS that I’m going to miss.  I guess part of it is the collector in me.  I like big, bulky collections of — well, anything, really.  I like my DVDs in their boxes.  I like my CDs in their cases.  I like my guitars…uhh…okay, that one kind of falls apart, because they’re big any way you store them…but still…my point is I like to have big, ridiculous, space destroying collections sitting around.  VHS was great for that.

 

Plus, I guess I’m just the only guy who misses the analog era.  I think music never sounded as good as it did on vinyl.  I think reel-to-reel was pretty cool.  I think music SHOULD be recorded on a tape, not a hard-drive (which I am aware contradicts the process I’ve used for most of the records I’ve appeared on in the last 10 years, and I’m a little ashamed of that).  I think movies should have nice, wide cells that you could turn into paintings if you zoomed in close enough.  I think TV was better before it glitched-out every ten minutes and the picture pixelated (thanks a lot for that Digital Transition folks).  Shoot, I even dug “rabbit ears.”

 

All dead…

 

It’s like losing an old friend saying goodbye to the VCR.  The format got me through many, countless hours of doing homework, work projects, personal projects, and just plain goofing off.  I am forever indebted to the VCR…

 

…but I’m still mad about the time it chewed up my brother’s copy of Austin Powers when I borrowed it from him.  So I guess it balances out.

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Quotable Quotes (As seen on Facebook):

  • “I met my wife on Craigslist.” – Kent (Which isn’t true.  He met his wife in real life…but he coined that phrase and I thought it was funny.)
  • “I think I’d talk to you more than I already do if it weren’t for the fact that you’re straight.” – Angela, referring to me.
  • “Liking Helen Keller jokes doesn’t make me politically incorrect!  Liking ANNE FRANK jokes makes me politically incorrect.” – Me

Finally Got Around to It…

UPDATE: Wow!  The stats for today are weirdly high!  Looks like a few of you told friends about this post and it kind of exploded!  Thanks!  (By “exploded,” of course, I mean there were like 5-10 more people than usual…but whatever.  You take your victories where you find them.)  🙂

 

I’ve finally started posting chapters of my non-linear autobiography “Restless.”  Check it out via the tab at the top of the page, if you feel so inclined.

 

I’ve only posted a short introduction and Chapter One at the moment.  I’m going to work on cleaning up Chapter Two over the next couple of days, I think.  So I might not post much as I’m doing that…or I might…who knows what I’ll do?  I certainly don’t!  🙂

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Current Listening:

  • I’m back to “The Wall.”  (The Pink Floyd record, of course…)

I should probably say…

I have three things I should probably devote full blogs to, but that I’m only going to do one post about.  So here’s three things I should probably say.

 

Thing #1

 

I’ve been sitting around all day doing nothing.  We got a snow day today.  That was nice.

  

Thing #2

In unrelated news, I should probably also say that I got a call from a friend of mine last night asking me to write some music for a student film he’s working on.  I’ve never done anything like that.  I think that’s a pretty cool offer and I’m considering it.  What I should say about it is that I rarely if ever write for someone else, unless it’s Blue Tattoo (but that’s different since I maintain a lot of control in that dynamic). 

 

I don’t really like being given direction in writing music, unless I have final control over the song.  I’ve only been “produced” once in a studio, and the producer ended up throwing up his hands and saying, “fine, do what you want.”  I did, and the record sold…so I guess it was either entirely arbitrary, or I’m right in my thinking that the artists who do the writing/performing know best what comes off as natural or “good” from their own performances.  I don’t think I’m the guy you want to put in creative-control when it comes to also having to bounce things off a producer…and I’m not sure if that translates into film producers as well as musical ones.  🙂

 

The guy IS a friend of mine, though, and I think anything he wanted to change would be dealt with in a gentle way…but then again, I use the word “friend” meaning I’ve never had an argument with the guy.  It’s not like we’ve ever even worked together before on anything.  I’m still weighing out the possibilities.  It’s nothing you’ll ever see in an art house or anything (and certainly not going to get picked up by Time Warner or Fox), so it’s not like I’m risking my “integrity” (if any) on a national stage (I wish, in fact).  I mostly just don’t want to end up saying, “Man, I wish I’d never done that.” like I have for so many other projects to which my name is attached.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated…

Thing #3

In Blue Tattoo, we had the sense to cancel rehearsal last night, since the snow was heavily falling by like 2:00-ish (or was it 3?  …ehh…whatever.)  The other guys have quite a drive to get to my house for rehearsal, especially my brother, who lives in nearly Lake St. Louis.  Probably for the best.  We end up rusty when we take a couple of weeks off (we took the week before off since we’d just done a gig that weekend), so in that respect, we probably NEED the rehearsal…but on the other hand, I still haven’t set my guitar-rig back up properly after the gig last week, ha ha.  (Most of it, in fact, is still sitting in my foyer.)

 

The thing I should say about that is that I’m feeling overall lazy about the band at the moment.  I didn’t mind the cancellation, and it had nothing to do with the snow.  Unfortunately, it had everything to do with me being a creature of habit.  Most of the projects I’ve worked in over the past few years (with the exception of B.T.) don’t have regular rehearsals.  We just meet when we have something coming up.  Even the Feldman Group (which has been the most financially lucrative thing I’ve been involved with — almost paying as well as my regular salary at my job, by percentage) doesn’t play unless it’s in front of people.  But Blue Tattoo’s a different animal, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

 

As I’ve said many times, I love that band.  I just get really tired on Tuesdays.  🙂  The other guys read my blog (I think), so the main thing I should say is that I’m sorry about the occasional laise that settles in on me.  I have a bunch of songs written for them that I have YET to demo in any way.  I haven’t been keeping up the website like I should.  I wasn’t even the one initiating the calls to cancel practice last night.  I just tend to slack in that respect…  But I get a lot of energy from our rehearsals once they start happening, and I should really learn to focus on that.  No matter how much I’m thinking, “I could get a nap today, if only we would cancel,” I should also remind myself that I really like seeing those guys and I really like the sound we make.  So, guys…it’s not you…it’s me.  I promise I’ll be better in the future…as soon as the roads are passable enough to get you to my house.

Bonus Thing #4!

I feel like I should say something about my house too…  It needs a lot of work, and I’ve been “remodelling” for like two-years now.  I have a TON left to do, and as I said above, I’m a lazy guy.  As you may imagine, I haven’t done anywhere near as much as I should have by now.  I really have to get to work on that.  So the thing I should say is that I’m making it a promise to myself to get some work done on the many projects around the house in the last part of this month and into February.  In fact…no time like the present.

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Current Watching:

End of an episode of M*A*S*H…which actually ended while I was typing that, thereby making a liar out of this post.

Small Update

The college cancelled all evening activities and sent us all home at 4:00 (which is the time I get off work anyway…but whatever…).  They’re also opening at 8:55 tomorrow, instead of 8:00.  Guess that’s better than nothing…but I’m hoping for the good Lord to REALLY make it snow tonight to the point that we can’t even LEAVE, much less go in.

 

…not holding my breath, though.

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Current Eating:

  • Chinese?  More like Awesom-ese!

See If You Can Spot What’s Missing

This POST is missing!  🙂

 

I deleted it because the stuff that was here was attracting some undesirable spam, based on some of the words used in the post…and that’s the ONLY reason I removed it.  I’m just tired of deleting things every day.  Just leaving this page here as a placeholder to keep my post-count consistent.  I’m also deleting the comments for this post, since they don’t make any sense without it…so…yeah…

I Had That Dream Again…

I’ve had a recurring dream ever since my mother died in 1994.  I don’t know if it’s able to be classified as a “nightmare,” but it does creep me out every time it happens, and it happened again last night.

 

The basic concept is that, in my dream, I could be doing anything.  I might be at work or hanging around the house…just regular stuff you might do anytime, and I’m always my present age (whatever that may be at the time).  These dreams never come in the form that I dream that I’m 14 or whatever.  Like last night, I was 28 and had all of my life experiences up to this point…and that’s where it gets creepy. 

 

No matter what I’m doing in the dream, at some point, my mom will show up.  It’s not that she resurrects from the dead or shows up as a ghost or anything.  She’s just THERE.  (No idea what age she is in this weird dream-world, by the way…)  The really weird thing is that I’m the only one who knows it’s wrong.  Doesn’t matter who else is in the dream.  Could even be my dad, brother, and (maternal) grandmother…I’m the ONLY one who knows she’s not supposed to be alive.

 

I rarely have any confrontation to that effect in the dream.  I don’t go around telling people that she should be dead or ask her about it or anything.  I just KNOW it.  The closest I remember getting to addressing the issue in the dream is that I know that if I start telling people she’s supposed to be dead, they’ll think I’ve lost my mind, so I keep my mouth shut.  Otherwise, I don’t ever remember having a definitive END to this dream…I just end up waking up, usually pretty freaked out and unable to get back to sleep.

 

Now…I don’t know what psychologists would make of that dream.  Unresolved issues?  Probably.  I do know that we fought over something really stupid on the day she died and we were barely speaking to one another when she went to bed.  But I thought I’d dealt with that.  I have no other possible explanation for why I keep having this dream, or why it disturbs me so much.  (Maybe there’s a correlation to the fact that I’ve been reading a lot of Lovecraft this week?)

 

…anyway I just thought I’d share that.  Maybe if I start talking about it, it’ll go away.