I do something kind of weird (wait for it) every time I read a newspaper. I rewrite the headlines in ways that make me laugh. Sometimes it’s the main, banner headline. Sometimes it’s the sub-headline. But I’ll usually get a couple out of every paper. So, to bring you into my dementia, I’ve gone through the Post-Dispatch’s website and pulled out a few to make fun of. Apologies to anyone who somehow finds it mean…which is probably is. The real one’s first, then there’s mine…which should have been easy enough to figure out on your own, I guess.
- “Pajamas are great for parents and kids this holiday” = How to Make Christmas Suck
- “Police kept seized cash” = Police do what you’d do; outrage higher than usual.
- (Opinion Piece) “As time and newspapers march on, I relish real mail” = Old Man Lonely, Mail Declining
- “The Life Sherpa locks down an exclusive interview with “Scott” the Clydesdale.” = An Idiot Talks to a Horse
- “Lawyer: Wiretaps Were Illegal” = Lawyer Lies; Slow News Day Grips Chicago
- “Gunman fires 10 shots at cop on North Side” = Man Lives on North Side; Business as Usual
- “Concert announcement: Morrissey at the Pageant” = Big News! Hundreds Bored in Near Future
- “Martz deserves due for his Rams success” = Newsflash! Rams so Desperate St. Louis Misses Martz
- “Sour economy puts pet owners in a pinch” = Pets Abandoned: P-alliteration grips newspaper.
- “The 100 Neediest People in St. Louis” = 100 people you should help, but that we won’t.
- “Singing Fire Fighters” = Warning: Horrible Thing Exists!
- Batman – “The Black Glove” – which leads up to the current “Batman RIP” story. Just playing catch-up.