They catch the soup that would normally burn your face.
- They give you something to rub while you’re thinking.
- They give you something to rub to make it LOOK like you’re thinking.
- The sound they make when you scratch them. It’s awesome.
- They’re soft. (If you grow them properly and don’t just go for the faux-Aragorn thing.)
- Kids are afraid of men with beards. It’s a known fact that most men don’t like being around children. If you grow a beard, they’re more likely to leave you in peace.
- If you’re a woman and you’ve got a beard, you can set up a tent and turn that into some SERIOUS money.
- A lot of women don’t like beards, but the ones who do LOVE them.
- They hide the weird stuff on your face.
- They make you look cooler.
- If you’re a clean-shaven guy, you can communicate “I am exhausted” to the world without words, if you just grow out about 3-5 days of beard.
- God has one.
- They make you look like you’ve got something to hide. Always good to create a little bit of mystery about yourself.
- If you’re a fat guy…instant three-less-chins.
- They make you a little warmer in Winter.
- If a man never shaved, the likely length of his beard, based on all available averages, would be 27.5 feet. I don’t care what you say, that’s pretty impressive.
- The average amount of time a man spends shaving (in his whole lifetime) is 3350 hours. So it’s a major time-saver to just grow a beard.
- If you’re balding, you can still grow a beard.
- In Massachusetts, you have to pay a tax of $0.75 per day to have a beard. (I’m not sure that’s actually true. I stole it from someone else’s blog…but I like the idea.)
- If you grow a beard, you don’t get carded as often when you attempt to buy alcohol and/or cigarettes. It also helps to have a piteous look of defeat on your face, like the world’s already won and the only things you have left to make you happy are alcohol, cigarettes, and your beard.
- If you get your beard stuck in something (be it zipper, nail on a doorframe, or pencil sharpener), it’s a totally valid reason to call in sick to work.
- If you grow a beard, you are 78% less likely to be raped. Yeah. That’s a lot.
- Confucius say: “Ho! Me rikey beard! Me have beard rong-time!”
- It is standard policy in the Church of Latter Day Saints to avoid growing a beard (though not a direct mandate). So the best way to show you’re not a Mormon is to grow a beard.
- Your beard will get you out of having to dress up for most Halloween parties. After all, there are only so many options for a man with a beard…and you did “Super-Scientist” last year, right?
- Your beard will keep your mustache company.
Squeeze – One of the myriad of “Greatest Hits” compilations.
Chris Difford (from Squeeze) – “The Last Temptation of Chris”