The 26 Reasons Beards Are Awesome

  1. They catch the soup that would normally burn your face.

  2. They give you something to rub while you’re thinking.
  3. They give you something to rub to make it LOOK like you’re thinking.
  4. The sound they make when you scratch them.  It’s awesome.
  5. They’re soft.  (If you grow them properly and don’t just go for the faux-Aragorn thing.)
  6. Kids are afraid of men with beards.  It’s a known fact that most men don’t like being around children.  If you grow a beard, they’re more likely to leave you in peace.
  7. If you’re a woman and you’ve got a beard, you can set up a tent and turn that into some SERIOUS money.
  8. A lot of women don’t like beards, but the ones who do LOVE them.
  9. They hide the weird stuff on your face.
  10. They make you look cooler.
  11. If you’re a clean-shaven guy, you can communicate “I am exhausted” to the world without words, if you just grow out about 3-5 days of beard.
  12. God has one.
  13. They make you look like you’ve got something to hide.  Always good to create a little bit of mystery about yourself.
  14. If you’re a fat guy…instant three-less-chins.
  15. They make you a little warmer in Winter.
  16. If a man never shaved, the likely length of his beard, based on all available averages, would be 27.5 feet.  I don’t care what you say, that’s pretty impressive.
  17. The average amount of time a man spends shaving (in his whole lifetime) is 3350 hours.  So it’s a major time-saver to just grow a beard.
  18. If you’re balding, you can still grow a beard. 
  19. In Massachusetts, you have to pay a tax of $0.75 per day to have a beard.  (I’m not sure that’s actually true.  I stole it from someone else’s blog…but I like the idea.)
  20. If you grow a beard, you don’t get carded as often when you attempt to buy alcohol and/or cigarettes.  It also helps to have a piteous look of defeat on your face, like the world’s already won and the only things you have left to make you happy are alcohol, cigarettes, and your beard.
  21. If you get your beard stuck in something (be it zipper, nail on a doorframe, or pencil sharpener), it’s a totally valid reason to call in sick to work.
  22. If you grow a beard, you are 78% less likely to be raped.  Yeah.  That’s a lot.
  23. Confucius say: “Ho! Me rikey beard!  Me have beard rong-time!”
  24. It is standard policy in the Church of Latter Day Saints to avoid growing a beard (though not a direct mandate).  So the best way to show you’re not a Mormon is to grow a beard.
  25. Your beard will get you out of having to dress up for most Halloween parties.  After all, there are only so many options for a man with a beard…and you did “Super-Scientist” last year, right?
  26. Your beard will keep your mustache company.


Current Listening:

  • Squeeze – One of the myriad of “Greatest Hits” compilations.

  • Chris Difford (from Squeeze) – “The Last Temptation of Chris”