I had no idea. I really didn’t.
If you listened to the address George W. Bush gave the other night, you–much like myself–must have been shocked to find out that apparently this country’s in a major economic crisis! How did this happen?!? It’s sure news to me. Apparently it’s gotten so bad that the GOVERNMENT actually has to step in and do something to bail the nation out of debt!
Okay, folks…it’s time to get serious. You heard Mr. Bush. It’s time to panic. The stock-market is in serious danger, apparently gas prices are high, and–I had no CLUE–our national debt is through the roof! Good God people…the terrorists are winning!!!
It’s our fault. It’s got to be. We, as Americans, have failed our country by not being patriotic enough. We don’t have enough yellow ribbons stuck to our cars with magnets. We haven’t bought enough American flags. We didn’t give enough to the war effort–shoot we should have all volunteered to go to Iraq! After all, the government clearly knows what they’re doing over there, and I feel like I should personally call Mr. Bush and apologize for not having gone over there, rifle in hand and with a picture of him on my t-shirt.
So, it’s time to take drastic measures. We’ve got to cancel the election. No one but George W. Bush is educationally and spiritually equipped to get us through this emergency. No more campaigning. No more debating. Let’s just skip it. Also, I think it is our responsibility as Americans to follow Mr. Bush’s words and immediately panic. We’ve got to go to the banks and withdraw all of our money–don’t worry, they have enough, they’re banks. We’ll need to have funds to re-build America after it collapses under the weight of the mistakes WE all made. We’ll also need guns. Lots of them. We’ll need to protect the money–and to a lesser extent our families, traditions, and values–from the hordes of looters and rape gangs that are sure to form all across the nation. In fact, if anyone even knocks on your door… Shoot them immediately. George W. Bush says this is serious. Who are we not to trust the man that we all elected–with absolutely no dispute, controversy, or dirty politics–into the nation’s highest office?
Also… Set the nearest gas station to your home on fire. Now. The terrorists CAN’T get our gas. That’s probably why the prices are so high at the pumps…terrorists must be taking our gas…but if there’s no gas to TAKE, then there’s no way for them to win.
…now, maybe I’m just reacting out of fear and responding with desperation…but this is big news, and NO ONE saw it coming! I mean, like overnight we went from being loved by all peoples of the world, being the richest nation in the world, and having an economy so tight you could bounce a quarter off of it to–as of Tuesday–being in serious financial danger with absolutely no previous warning signs. Mr. Bush must have been as astounded as anyone. It’s not like he made any mistakes in his tenure in office, or like his administration has been running on vapors for the past 4-8 years. It’s not like his approval ratings have been in the toilet for the majority of his time in office or anything. I feel bad for the guy. This must have been an overwhelming shock to him.
Unless you’re a raving idiot who’s never heard the words “satire” or “sarcasm,” I guess I should cover my own butt by saying I meant NONE of the above…
In truth, we ARE in a major economic recession–bordering on a new depression-era in America, and something SHOULD be done about it…and it seems to me like it should’ve been done sometime BEFORE the election year…sometime when it WASN’T a cheap, whorish political move, prostituting the welfare of the American economy to get votes for a geriatric and an idiot. Something should have been done in 2004. We should have voted the son-of-a-Bush OUT. Or anytime between then and now, the word “impeachment” could have been thrown around a little bit more.
We ARE in a major economic crisis, and it’s the fault of the current administration–and McCain has been pretty vocal about having supported Mr. Bush’s decision-making, claiming to have voted with him 90% of the time, by the way. The speech the Burning Bush gave on Tuesday was a cheap political move, filled with truth–but truth that came about because of his ineptitude, not because of anything to do with economic “trends.” (Maybe something to do with an unjust, stupid, stupid–and I say again STUPID–war that’s killing tens-of-thousands and spending trillions of dollars?) This country IS in danger of collapse, and it’s been that way since the year 2000 when America flipped a coin between Bush and Gore and it came up tails a few times too often–sort of…we all know how that really worked out with the people of the nation having voted in the majority for the other guy…but whatever…broken record and all that…
The point is…George W. Bush is so full of sh*t that he can’t tell it from good chocolate anymore. He’s screwed this country so hard for so long that we’re not even feeling it anymore–instead just staring up at him with dead eyes and hoping he throws us a wadded-up $20 for our time when he leaves. Unfortunately…that $20 won’t even fill up your tank anymore.
Oh, and I’ll once again say that if our economy is in such a recession, maybe throwing a minimum of $600 at every tax-payer in the country last year wasn’t such a great financial idea, huh? …which, actually… That fits my prostitute metaphor from the last paragraph pretty well.
HAD to say all of that. Apologies to the readers I have that were offended, especially those who are my friends…but I just couldn’t leave that one alone. I do care if I offend my FRIENDS, and I hope they understand that I respect them and their views…I just have absolutely NO respect for what the current administration has done to MY country, which I love.
…also just a reminder that comment moderation is ON, so if you’re planning on posting anything cute, it won’t be seen by anyone other than me–and I’m not going to read much of it myself.
- …who can afford to buy CDs anymore??? I’m listening to crickets.