An Open Letter to Whoever Called the Cops on My Band

Dear Whoever Called the Cops on My Band,

Stop it.

We’ve been rehearsing at my house for the past ten years (in various forms), and TWICE in this past year, you’ve called the police on us. It’s not like we’ve been rehearsing late into the night. You’ve been calling before 9:00. Plus, I know you’ve got to be one of my neighbors, and I’ve known you for 28 years…are you telling me that after all that time you can’t do me the courtesy of calling ME before you call the police? I don’t get that.

For the record, the last cop that came by seemed more irritated by YOU than he did by us. He seemed shocked that he was called out at that early hour and he said he didn’t even hear us as he drove up. His exact words were, “Just wanted to let you know one of your neighbors didn’t like it.” I asked him about the noise ordinance (which says we can rehearse until–ahem–TEN o’clock if we want) and he said he still had to come out. So, pretty much you’re just wasting the time of the police at this point, who–frankly–have much better things to do. I mean, what are you expecting them to do? Arrest me for OBEYING the noise ordinance?

Plus…how are you even HEARING us??? We’re not too loud, and we stop by nine at the latest. Unless you’re standing on my porch, you shouldn’t be too bothered by it. Plus, if you’re who I think you are, I’ve got to wonder about your priorities when the words “mobile meth lab” have come up more than once in close attachment to your last name… If you’re just sitting outside on your porch and you hear us…you don’t get to call the police for that. If you can hear us IN YOUR HOUSE, that’s another matter…but you can’t. You’re just being a jerk…and yes, I’m pretty sure it’s you. Or it’s the old guy on the other side…neither one of you has ever been particularly kind to me…and that guy once accidentally broke one of my windows and lied about it, so I’m not thrilled with him either.

Like I said, you could just talk to me about it. Odds are that I’d be pretty receptive and try to practice on a night when you don’t have to go to bed early or whatever the problem is. I’m a pretty nice guy, up until you do something like call the police on me for no good reason. I’m not breaking any laws. I’m not harassing you. I’m not parking in a way that blocks your driveway (and, by the way, I’d appreciate it if you started showing me the same courtesy). I’m just playing with my band…and we actually sound good and are pretty tame. It’d be one thing if Motorhead or the Pixies moved in…but we’re not that.

I’d much rather discuss this with you in person, in a civilized way…but you haven’t given me that opportunity. Even the cop–who, you’ll recall, you irritated–said it came up as anonymous on his screen. So either you’re a coward or you’re just a jerk. Either way, I don’t have any respect for that. Since you’ve addressed me anonymously and embarrassingly, you’ve left me little recourse than to RESPOND anonymously. Unfortunately, my anonymous response does not afford you the public embarrassment of having a police-car pull up into your driveway and making all the (non-jerk) neighbors point and whisper…but at least this lets SOMEONE know that you’re out there, and they know WHAT you are, if not who.

Hope you sleep well,