One day, you may browse over to my blog and read a write-up of how I ritualistically murdered, skinned, and ate a drunk from the bar I played at. That night was nearly tonight.
So…here is some advice for the drunks who go to bars where bands are playing. Keep this stuff in mind, and I won’t kill you, eat you, and then mail your skin to your family–some to your mom, some to your child, and the rest to your grandma.
1. I don’t give a shit if you’re a better bass player than I am. First of all, I doubt that you are. Second, I doubt that you really play. Third, if you’re so much better than me, why am I the one getting paid, and you’re the one sitting at the bar fueling my paycheck for the evening? Huh? Douche-bag? Any thoughts on that? Even if you ARE better…so what? A lot of people are better bass players than I am. There are also a lot of people who’re better at performing super-gay sex-acts on children than I am (being that I’ve never done it)…and I’m pretty sure one of them was in my crowd tonight talking about how amazing his band is–but not being able to remember the name of the band, when asked. …God what a douche-bag.
2. If you want to start a fight, but you can’t find a way to express it because alcohol has removed your ability to speak in polysyllabic words, you’re probably going to get the crap kicked out of you…don’t care how big you are. If you can be knocked down, you can be stomped to death.
3. When even your FRIENDS are telling you to shut up before they let you get your ass kicked…SHUT UP. When your FRIENDS even hate you, you’ve really got to take a look in the mirror.
4. When the bouncer comes over and sits down next to you, that’s a BAD sign…it’s not an invitation to boast about how much you’ve had to drink and how much money you’re spending to “keep this place open.”
5. Nothing you have ever said, or that you WILL ever say can be classified as “profound.”
6. If you dare to go out in public in a Henley (one of those short-sleeved shirts with the three buttons), thinking you look like a million bucks, be prepared to go home alone. (Not that I have anything against Henleys as day-to-day wear. I have a few myself…but let’s face it, they kind of send a message of “screw it…I’ve got a shirt on…good enough.”) Women look at you and they think, “…..meh.”
7. You stink of beer and failure, and I hate you.
8. First impressions mean a lot… A bad first impression may result in the next impression being my fist leaving an impression in your brain.
9. If you’re drinking Miller Light, and you’re sloppy-drunk…I have absolutely no time for you. At least have enough class to get drunk on a decent beer.
10. I’d like to repeat…I’M the one getting paid. You, however, are drinking your life away, and deserve what you get. Hope it was worth it.
…I’m about two crap-gigs from never playing in a bar again…and I’m playing next week…so we’ll see how that goes. (However, I will say that the place we’re playing next week is usually good…the actual VENUE from tonight was excellent, too…they just had a real jackass in the crowd.)
- “Dual Hawks” by Centro–matic/South San Gabriel – A cool double-album by the guys in Centro–matic and their side-project (SSG)–one disc from each. Definitely top-ten of ’08 material…possibly top-FIVE.