(The title’s a Roxy Music reference…)
I’m thinking of changing the name of this blog to something like “The Insomniac Manifesto.” Seems like I only really blog when I’m exhausted from lack of sleep…then I mostly only talk about how tired I am.
I was up until roughly 4:30 last night…and the night before. Sure, in the mean-time, I crashed from about 3-6 in the afternoon…but that actually kind of makes it worse. I don’t know if people understand how physical a condition insomnia is…let me see if I can clarify.
On a day like this, it hurts. My head hurts. My eyes burn. I can FEEL my teeth. My joints ache. My back and arms are particularly sore today–and I expect that my chest will soon hurt from overcompensating for my arms aching. My feet are cold. I’m jittery. I find myself squinting a lot, even though I don’t really need to. My stomach’s upset. …and it’s only just after 9:00 a.m.
That’s pretty much average, when I have insomnia. In fact, I’ve had FAR worse days…but this is still the kind of thing that makes you want to call in sick. Especially from a job like mine, which is largely spent sitting around waiting on things to happen and/or doing paperwork (or, in this case, typing random stuff on my blog to try to stay awake while I’m waiting on a file to finish moving from drive to drive). If my job were slightly more active, like a retail store or janitorial work or something, it wouldn’t be so bad…but at this gig, I sit down most of the day, and falling asleep is a very ready temptation–even when it’s NOT dead in here.
It’s almost like having the flu, or a fever…but no one’s really sympathetic. I’ve said it before on this blog, and I’ll say it again… People think it’s an excuse. They hear, “I only got a couple of hours of sleep last night” and think that translates to, “I was up all night watching movies” or “I was partying hard last night.” The truth is, I was up mostly thinking about how stupid it was that I wasn’t sleeping. Sleep is a basic thing, and when you can’t do it, you kind of get obsessed with WHY it won’t happen…and that keeps me awake. That thought of, “Okay…if I fall asleep right…NOW! I’ll get three hours…crap…I didn’t fall asleep.” So THEN I start watching movies. I may as well not be bored and paranoid about how much sleep I COULD be getting, y’know?
Anyway…sorry to waste your time with that. Back to work…the file’s all moved. Maybe I’ll get some coffee first, though…